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Mizzou Media Professor Recruits Protestors To Forcibly Prevent Student Journalist From Covering Protest

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Jesus Christ. Mizzou is a complete shit show right now, and I’m not just talking about the poop smeared on the wall of a dorm in the shape of a swastika. This whole thing is insane. Let’s break it down.

So last month, someone took a dump in their hand and drew a swastika on the wall of a university building like he was using a magic marker. Might’ve been an artistic statement. Might’ve been an LSD trip gone wrong. Might’ve been a really racist dude who couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time. Moving on.

Also in October, some drunk kid shouted the n-word at a group of black students rehearsing for a homecoming skit.

The month before, the student body president was called the n-word by a group of white dudes in a pickup truck while on campus.

People are pissed.

Enter Tim Wolfe, the president of the University of Missouri system. Presumably, the outraged students wanted Wolfe to pass out some sort of pamphlet on campus that reminded students not to use mean words, maybe educate the kids on potential “trigger warnings,” you know, the type of shit that doesn’t really do anything but it makes the student unions feel like they’re making a difference or whatever.

Wolfe doesn’t really do anything.

So, the pissed off students are like, “Your silence is violence,” and some black kid named Jonathan Butler pulls a Ghandi and is all, “I’m not eating until Wolfe resigns.”

Nothing really happens yet. Still not a big deal. Students set up a bunch of tents on campus with wannabe Ghandi. They feel like they’re a part of Woodstock or some shit and it’s a great time for everyone.

Then, the football players are like, “We’re not gonna play unless Wolfe resigns.”

Now we have a problem.

See, if Mizzou can’t play against BYU this weekend, then Mizzou owes them $1 million.

So Wolfe resigns. End of story, right? Wrong.

The protestors already set up their tents. They just got there and they’re having so much fun playing “cultural revolution” that they don’t want to just go home now that their demands have been met. What more do they want? I don’t know. I don’t think they even know. But one Asian kid with a camera was determined to find out, which brings us to this video, which is taking the world by storm right now.

So basically, this kid — a journalism student at Mizzou and an employed journalist — wants to take pictures of the protestors and their tents. The protest is on public land, so he figured, why not? But the protestors were like, “Nuh-uh, kid, we drew a sign that says this is a ‘safe space,’ and you can’t bother me in my safe space.” Dammit, kid. Didn’t you pay attention in preschool? The laws of Miss Brickhouse’s classroom clearly state that you can’t bother other students in the imaginary safe zone that surrounds them. It’s right under the part that says no smearing your shit on the walls.

Anyway, this video is hilarious for several reasons.

0:43 — The one smug tool with a bull-ring is like, “If you won’t leave, then we’ll just block you,” and then they put their hands up so he can’t snap photos of the tents. (NOT THE TENTS, MAN! THOSE ARE SAFE TENTS!) “You don’t have the right to take our photos.” Yes he does. Your face looks stupid.

1:14 — Big dude in the back makes a solid argument. “They were here first.”

2:18 – Lady with shades gets in his face. Her name is Janna Basler, and she’s the assistant director of Greek life. She pushes him. He says “Ma’am, don’t push me.” She says, “YOU don’t push ME.” Keep in mind, this is an administrator of the school handling a student lawfully doing his job. Then she says, “My name is concerned student 1950” like she’s being insanely clever. I almost died.

3:33 – “You could get arrested, bro.” Wrong.

4:16 – “Our friend’s life is on the line!” He’s referring to the dude who’s starving himself until the prez resigns. No. That’s not how this works. Your life can’t be on the line if you’re the one putting yourself in that position. Just eat something. Problem solved.

4:43 – “You lost this one, bro!” If by “lost” you mean “revealed how stupid each and every one of you looks,” then yeah, he got destroyed.

6:11 – “It’s our right to walk forward.” Dear God these kids suck. Actually, you have no right to physically push a student who wasn’t breaking the rules. What you’re doing is practically assault.

The best part? At this point, the mob is so busy following each other like blind cows that they let the guy who has been filming everything completely slip through the cracks. He just walks right up to the tents and the protestors who were trying to keep people out. There, he’s met by another woman named Melissa Click who tells him to leave. When he says no, she calls out “I need some muscle over here!”

Here’s where this shit gets really good. Click is a media professor at Mizzou. That’s right. A media professor doesn’t want a student documenting the protest for the news. And not only that, but she BEGGED for press coverage of the protest just three days ago.

Why the change of heart? Here’s my theory: That Butler kid, the one who says he’s been starving himself, was sitting in one of those tents just housing Pokey Stix. Ranch cups and all.

Jesus, these people are insufferable assholes. No wonder Wolfe peaced the fuck out when he got the chance.

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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