Most Unnecessary Innovation Ever Turns Twerking Booty Into Musical Instrument

I’ll just let you watch this ridiculous video, and then I’m going to make fun of everyone in it, because every single person involved in this “project” deserves to be made fun of.

The cure for cancer has yet to be discovered, and we’re wasting valuable man hours developing a device that enables a twerking ass to become a musical instrument. What a spectacular misappropriation of energy.

“It just became interesting how it would be cool to develop something that’s based around how to shake your asses to music, and how you can also revert things and make music with your body as well.”

Sir, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent explanation were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone that watched this video is now dumber for having listened to you. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

“The booty drum is a device that records movement through accelerometers attached to the dancer’s booty, so these movements translated to unique velocities and triggers, so in this way the dancer triggers the musician’s samples, and together they are creating a beat, or the structure so to speak, and it becomes a collaborative track between the dancer and the musician.”

Look, man, this isn’t the release video for a new Apple product. Stop trying to sound all technical and fancy and smart. You’re just another dude that’s obsessed with ass and twerking. If you’re going to spend time creating something like this, at least be upfront about it. Just say, “I love ass, and this gave me a really good excuse to stare at violently-shaking ass for hours on end.”

A collaborative track between the dancer and the musician? There is no musician here, so don’t use that fucking word like there’s a musician involved. There’s not. There’s a stripper and some ass addicts; that’s it. Freakin’ Euros, man.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover podcast, unbiased Rockets fan, fair-weather Astros fan, and sad Texans fan who attended the 2017 Masters.

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