I’ll admit it: when I saw the headlines, I was excited to read what had to be an incredibly funny story. I wanted it to be real. Hell, I needed it to be real. The story in question is about some 5th grader who had been pimping out girls in his class for money. Only problem? This “5th grader from Houston” does not exist.
How do I know? Well, the story originated on a website called www.celebtricity.com, which is a satirical news site. Unlike here, where we make fun of news stories, they make up their own news for clicks, because internet. Example: this same website created a story that an Ebola victim came back from the dead.
Here is the whole story:
An 11-year-old elementary school 5th grader has been expelled for running “quite a business” during his school day hours.
The young man comes from a family with many financial troubles. His parents, who were reportedly on welfare. With his family’s future in mind, the young boy managed to convince 8 of his female classmates to kiss and hug boys for money.
The principal said, “He was running this business of exploiting his young female classmates for nearly 3 months before getting caught. We became suspicious that something was going on, when lunch attendance began to dwindle. We have had 27 boys and 5 girls come forward admitting they were paying this “wanna be pimp” $3 for a 10 second make out session and $2 for a 15 second hug which included unnecessary groping. The 8 female children he recruited, never got a red cent.”
Authorities estimate that the young man made out with nearly $500 in three months, with many of the other children being “repeat customers.”
Authorities have questioned the parents, but they adamantly deny any involvement in their son’s actions.
Story should end there, right? Everyone reads it, laughs, knows better, and moves on with their lives. Wrong. I’ve seen multiple websites covering this story as real life news. BroBible (they have since updated that it is from a satirical source, good on them) and Barstool Sports are two of the bigger websites I’ve seen fall for this farce so far.
I’m about to start sourcing The Onion..