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My First Passover Experience Nearly Killed Me

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With my crucifix hidden beneath my button-down, I entered my first-ever Passover Seder already on the verge of blacking out. Mara was sexy, a smart and wealthy sophomore with the type of body that could make Kosher eating the next fitness craze.

But she was the daughter of Orthodox Jews, or at least something close to it, adorned with beards and the sort of archaic disdain for technology that had me questioning whether or not I was sitting down for dinner in the Upper East Side in the 19th century.

But the Manischewitz was flowing and I was in this for the long haul. I hadn’t yet closed the deal, but Mara milking my uncircumcised cock in direct violation of the “no meat and dairy” rule on a nightly basis gave me legitimate hope.

We had been somewhat together for almost two months, the longest I had waited since high school to actually fuck. With my patience running thin, I saw this as my last straw, the end of my 40 years of wandering through the desert. I needed to find, and get inside, that promised land.

As the night went on, I was exposed to more and more grotesque foods, from bone marrow to pure vinegar. Like a disabled squirrel, I was going to have to earn this nut. The worst, though, was this diabolical concoction called “gefilte fish,” a pickled herring (whatever the fuck that is) in some kind of milky mayonnaise sauce that somehow, even though it is a fish, is served warm and raw.

My fellow diners, including Mara, gobbled this shit up like cum at the end of a German porn vid as I sat in horror. Realizing my elite education, I began shoveling the warm fish concoction into my napkin like the world’s only 185-pound anorexic.

As my stomach was on the verge of submission, the dinner gave way to scotch. Thank fucking God. What I never realized about observant Jews is how incredibly important alcohol becomes on a Friday night. You can’t watch television, can’t drive, can’t do any work — all you do is sit in a chair with one singular light on (which you can’t even adjust) and get absolutely shit faced with your family. It’s like a frat house in the middle ages, but with more body hair, and probably less hazing.

So Mara and I are drowning in expensive red wine and scotch when her parents and siblings finally go to sleep. I’m assigned the couch, but with this strong of a substance-induced stupor coming on, all I can think of is my helmeted dick storming Mara’s hairless beach like fucking Normandy. Major role reversal there.

Mara was extremely fucked up too, rubbing my crotch on the plastic-covered couch like the friction could start a fire. She then told me to follow her upstairs. We got to fooling around and she began sucking me like I just lambasted the two-state solution. I was about to finish when, like David Bowie’s heart, she abruptly stopped. She stood and pulled her panties off for the first time. I pulled her down on the bed and rubbed the tip against her. “Stop.” I stopped. “Not yet, I want you to taste me.”

I flipped her over into a 69 and her amazing ass was in my face like a tuna-flavored Sundae. She was riding my tongue and continuing to suck, moaning louder and louder to the point where I should have worried about her parents, but was too stuck in the moment.

I was about to finish, and could feel her quivering, when she rode me more aggressively, like Secretariat bucking towards the finish line and a Triple Crown. My nose was millimeters from her asshole, but its hairless and bleached aroma was inconsequential as we both started to go together, my first dual orgasm, when…


I felt the air shooting up my nostrils like a vacuum. She continued riding through her orgasm. As I attempted to hold my breath, her asshole engulfed my nose, and there was nothing I could do. A Hurricane Katrina-level swell of fish-ridden fart had been injected into my throat like a giant cum shot of death.

I began gagging incessantly. She apparently mistook this for a continued orgasm, so she pressed her seeping ass even harder onto my face. Game over. My mouth erupted red wine-based acid straight into her vagina. Strange Torah-based foods covered her ass, my body, and the bed.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!!” she screamed as she pushed my nearly lifeless body off the side of the bed.

“It fucking burns! What the fuck is this? What happened???”

The smell still permeated my face, and I couldn’t escape it. Staggering to my feet, I could hardly breathe. It was like shit-flavored pepper spray was shot all over me. We ran to the bathroom, falling to the floor of the tub with the shower pouring over us.

And this is where her parents found me, the gentile on the floor of the shower straddling their naked daughter.

Happy Passover.

This story was based off of an actual submission from a TFM reader. If you would like your sexual misadventure detailed for the world by an anonymous freelance writer, email

Image via Shutterstock

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Siblings of Mark Wahlberg

Sorry Mom & Dad. Follow me to prevent my suicide: @SiblingsOfTFM

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