My Phone Never Got Me Laid

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Let me have your attention for a moment.

So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about that class you failed, some son of a bitch in your frat who’s giving you shit, some broad you’ve been texting for a few days, and so forth. Let’s talk about something important.

Put that cell phone down! Cell phones are for closers only.

Do you think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here from the future. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. You, douchebag taking “selfies” for your five hundred Instagram followers. You call yourself a man, you son of a bitch?

The good news is that you’re a loser with no actual game. Just another dumb freshman with a Snapchat account and a phone with a cracked screen. The bad news is, you have just one week to regain your manhood, starting tonight, Friday. Oh, have I got your attention now?

Good, because we’re adding a little something to this month’s contest. As you all know, first prize is an Xbox 360. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of Steak ‘n Shake gift cards. Third prize is that you’re kicked out of school.

You get the picture? You laughing now? Your parents paid good money for you to be here. There are single women all over this cesspool of a campus. Turn off your phone, go outside, and use your natural abilities to close them. You can’t close what you’re given. You can’t close shit — you are shit, so hit the bricks and beat it, pal!

Your texting game is weak? Fucking texting game is weak? You’re weak. I’ve been doing this for fifteen years. Only thing I get from my phone is a bill every month because I got kicked off the family plan last Christmas. Men have walked this earth for thousands of years convincing women to go back to their caves with them, and they didn’t need to do it behind fucking pizza emojis and New Girl quotes.

What’s my name? FUCK YOU, that’s my name! You know why, mister?

‘Cause you’ve only ever gotten laid because of a dating app. You’ve never been a man out on the prowl, encountering wild and exotic females in their natural setting. You can’t close them. Go ahead, go home and tell your roommate your troubles. Because only one thing counts in these next four years: Get them to come back with you to your dorm room and leave the very next morning!

Tonight, at the bar, you’ll keep your phone in your pocket and you’ll follow two simple rules.

A – always
B – be
C – closing

Always be closing! Once you encounter a potential lead, you’ll have to engage them with the following:

AIDA: attention, interest, decision, action
Attention – Do you have her attention? If she’s talking to you and not looking for an escape route, the answer is yes.
Interest – Is she interested? You know she is, because if she wasn’t, she would have walked away.
She’s already made her D (decision) and now it’s time for you to be a man and take A (action). You close or you hit the bricks!

You know what it takes to walk up to a woman, introduce yourself, and truly sell her on you without getting her number and texting her nonsense for a full week first? It takes brass balls.

Go and do so, gents. The women are out there: You pick them up and they’re yours. You don’t — I have no sympathy for you. Bunch of losers sitting around in a dorm. “Oh yeah, I tried talking to girls without using my phone once, it’s a tough racket.”

I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. And to answer your question, pal: Why am I here? I came here because TFM asked me to. They asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor would be to themselves if they follow my advice. If not, a loser’s a loser. Put the phone down.

Image via Youtube

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. Has written for the Chicago Tribune, performed at Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago, Cobbs Comedy Club in SF and last year was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015.

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