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There are naked pictures of Justin Bieber in the world now. While the pictures of Bieber aren’t exactly new, they have just been released. Some hardcore Bieber fans are claiming the pictures are fake, which is somewhat understandable, because supposedly the pictures were taken on Canadian Thanksgiving in 2012, and that holiday sounds completely fictional. The pictures are, however, quite real. They show Bieber playing the guitar, completely ass naked, in front of his grandmother. Why? Why not? He’s Justin Bieber. He just does shit.
Here’s story from TMZ:
Justin Bieber is wise enough to know when a gift needs givin’ … but he didn’t have a box — so he covered his junk with a guitar and jammed out a naked serenade for one lucky lady fan — HIS GRANDMA!
TMZ has obtained photos of a completely nude Biebs strumming away on his big wooden instrument … at his grandmother’s home in Toronto during Canadian Thanksgiving back in October 2012.
And why, you ask, did Bieber go ass naked for g-ma?
Our sources tell us JB had been staying at his granny’s house during the holiday … and slept in a little too late on Thanksgiving morning.
Bieber finally woke up after hearing family and friends stirring around the house — so he thought he’d prank ’em … by grabbing his guitar and playing a naked set a la Jenny from “Forrest Gump” (‘memba that?).
We’re told birthday-suited Bieber went right up to his grandma and started belting out some impromptu lyrics … like, “I Loooove you grandmaaaa … how are youuuu … helloooo grandma.”
We’re told G thought it was pretty funny — and everyone in the home was cracking up — but granny begged the pop star to get back in his room to put some damn clothes on, stat.
Sometimes I think that watching Justin Bieber now is like what it must have been like to watch Michael Jackson from the late 70s to the early 90s. Just a full on descent into ridiculousness. In a lot of ways, Bieber is Jackson’s mirror image, in that they’re the same, but reversed. They both started out as (relatively) wholesome child acts, though Jackson was in a family band while Bieber was solo. Also, Bieber is a white guy who wants to be black, and instead of having a thing for young boys, these pictures might prove he pervs after old women? That last part is a stretch, but my life will be pretty complete if we one day find out that Bieber invited Hellen Mirren and Dame Judi Dench to have sleepovers at his house the same way Jackson did with Corey Feldman and Macauly Culkin. I’d actually respect the shit out of Bieber if he bedded Hellen Mirren. I’d smash, no question.
Anyway, that’s a whole lot of buildup for yet another installment of Bieber interactions. This, I’m assuming, is how the whole naked picture thing went down.
Bodyguard: Ey, Jay. Jay. Time to get up dawg. It’s Thanksgiving…sort of.
Bieber: Where’d all tha shawtys go?
Bodyguard: Jay, man, yo grandma wasn’t too happy ’bout you throwin’ a party here last night, man. She told me they got to go.
Bieber: EY! You work fo me or you work fo my g-ma!?!
Bodyguard: Jay you know I work for you dawg, but those girls were gettin’ outta control. One of ’em snuck up to the attic and put on your grandma’s wedding dress so she could try and marry you, she ended up spillin’ Kool-Aid all on it.
Bieber: Pfft I’ll just buy g-ma a new one.
Bodyguard: Jay, you can’t buy her a new wedding dress. That’s the one she wore. There’s only one.
Bieber: Then I’ll buy a time machine and go back and snatch dat dress of my g-ma after she gets married! DAMN!
Bodyguard: Another girl tried to cook the turkey your grandma was saving for today, so she could feed it to you, and then some other girl straight up tried to stab your grandma with a gelly pen after your grandma called you “her little man.” That girl screamed, “NO HE’S MINE DIE SLUT” and came at yo grandma with the craziest eyes I ever seen, Jay. She looked like a demon.
Bieber: Yeah, my shawties be gettin’ dem demon eyes sometimes, I know what you mean. You just gots to sing at ’em til they start cryin’ an’ shit. Works erry time.
Bodyguard: Jay, they ain’t wanna hear me sing. That girl stabbed me with that pen when I got in front of your grandma. I had to choke hold her. You know what it’s like to be a 250 pound black man trained in martial arts and fight a hundred pound little 15-year-old white girl? It messes you up, Jay.
Bieber: So my g-ma’s pretty steamed?
Bodyguard: I think you should apologize, yeah.
Bieber: Aight, aight. I know what to do.
(*Bieber gets out of bed. He’s completely naked.*)
Bodyguard: Yo Jay man, put on some clothes, ain’t nobody wanna see that.
Bieber: Yeah, I got you.
(*Bieber picks up a guitar and puts it over his dick.*)
Bodyguard: Jay, you still bare assed.
Bieber: Don’t even trip. My g-ma used-ta change my dipes. She seen dis ass befo. And I ain’t got no time to put on no clothes. You said I need to apologize now!
Bodyguard: I mean, you got a little time. Enough time to put on some pants or something.
Bieber: FOOL IT TAKES FO-TY FIVE MINUTES TO GET INTO MY SKINNY DROP CROTCHES. I gotta butter up my legs ‘n shit. I ain’t got time fo that. My g-ma’s trippin and I gots tuh resolve dat.
(*Bieber walks downstairs with nothing on but his guitar. As he gets to the bottom of the stairs and rounds the corner the first person he runs into is Crew Member 1*)
Crew Member 1: I…I…is this a dream? I not wake up today? Is this heaven?
Crew Member 1: (shaking with anticipation) I knew dis day would come Jay. I always knew it’d be like dis. I nevuh knew I’d have so much to be thankful fo on Thanksgivin’. You duh strong, brave ass silky voiced angel I need, but not the one I deserve. I know dat. I mad respect dat. Jay, you been in my heart fo-eva. Since befo I even knew you, I knew you. I knew yo kind soul and I just looked at tha stars at night and thought how I knew dere was somebody crazy talented out dere fo me that would change my life and make me believe in magic again. Now I see dose same stars up in yo beautiful eyes. Dey like two universes glistening with light and love and yo soul be so fresh dat dey gon’ shine fo-eva. Long afta I’m gone. You immortal Jay. You made me believe in magic cuz you is magic. You been in my heart fo years, now, finally, you get to be in me. Sing to me Jay. Sing to me and then take me. I’m yo’s dawg.
Bieber: What!?!?! I’m lookin’ fo my g-ma, fool.
(*Crew Member 1 panics*)
Crew Member 1: (laughing loudly and nervously) I know dat, I know dat! C’mon dawg! What? Magic? I mean, yeah you IS magic, but, what? Take me? I mean, like, take me to duh club, fo shawties. Ya feel? What? Like whaaaaat? I meant like in me like, not in me but, dat…uh, dat was Thanksgivin’ jokes, fool! You know I always be trippin’ wiff jokes tuh cheer you up, dawg. ‘Member I bought dat joke book. Dis one-uh ‘dose Thanksgivin’ jokes. It was all like, “act like you in love wiff ya boy,” and I thought it was kinda trippin’, I ain’t even really like it, but I was like, I don’t know, maybe I just don’t get it. Jay has like a million times bigga brain than me so maybe he’d think it was hella funny so I’ll just do it even though I’m not really intuh it or whatever so I just figured since yo brain operate on a higher plane of knowledge and science that you would find it kinda like, mad funny.
(*Bieber takes a second to consider this*)
Bieber: (Laughs) Yeah I guess dat is kinda funny. My brain is hella tight wiff jokes ‘n science ‘n shit. I’m buyin’ a time machine fo my g-ma and you pretty much gots to have a crazy tight science brain fo that.
Crew Member 1: You gots the generosity of Santa Claus and duh fly abs of a Renaissance statue. I gots crazy respect fo you.
Bieber: Where’s my g-ma?
Crew Member 1: She in tha livin’ room.
(*Bieber walks to the living room and starts singing*)
Bieber: (singing) I Loooove you grandmaaaa … how are youuuu … helloooo grandma.
Grandma: What in heaven’s name! Justin go put on some clothes.
Bieber: My threads ‘n my sick ass drop crotches ain’t what’s impo-tant right now g-ma. It’s yo feelins.
(*Crew Member 1 walks up behind Justin*)
Crew Member 1: Jay yo empathy is so inspririn’. Imma take pictures to, uh, document yo empathy.
(*Crew Member 1 starts taking pictures. Bodyguard runs in*)
Bodyguard: EY! What’d I tell you ’bout takin’ naked pictures of Jay! I better NOT find another spy cam in the shower.
Bieber: Nah it’s coo, it’s chill. He just showin’ the world how crazy nice I am to my g-ma. (Starts singing again) G-ma you my girl. You my olllddd ass girl. You know how to bake cookies and you smell nice fo bein’ old.
Grandma: Justin go put on some clothes, please. The whole family is here. We just want to have a nice day.
Bieber (upset) Oh so what! You ain’t gon’ fo-give me! You think I don’t want dis day tuh be nice!?!?! I tried to make it nice as fuck! Ya’ll was like “oh lets eat a turkey” and I tried tuh make this day A MILLION TIMES FLYER by snatchin’ up a dolphin out the ocean but den errybody had to be like “no we can’t eat a dolphin dats inhuman.” WHAT!?! First off, dat’s WHY we eatin’ dat dolphin, cuz it AIN’T a human! Second, now dat dolphin is chillin’ in my guest pool takin shits errywhere! My monkeys swim in dat pool! You think my monkeys be wantin’ to swim in dolphin shit?!?! I’m tryin’ to make dis day nicer than anybody! Ain’t nobody currr!
(*Bieber starts crying. His grandma rolls her eyes, as if to say, “here we go again.”*)
Grandma: Justin, honey, of course I forgive you. Now go upstairs, put on your special fly Thanksgiving dropcrotch pants.
Bieber: (sniffles) Duh…duh ones wiff duh turkeys ‘n pie patches stitched on ’em dat you made especial fo me?
Grandma: Yes honey. Then come back downstairs and let’s all have the best day ever.
Bieber: (sniffles again) Okay.
(*Bieber turns around to go upstairs. As he does, Crew Member 2 walks in*)
Crew Member 2: Man I heard some crazy ruckus what’s goin on?
(*Crew Member 2 sees Bieber naked*)
Crew Member 2: AW DAMN!
(*Crew Member 2 gets an erection and faints*)
Bodyguard: The fuck is wrong with y’all?