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New iPhone App Allows Girls to Stalk Like Never Before

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Just when you thought the young women of the 21st century couldn’t get any creepier. We’ve dealt with years of Facebook stalking, and more recently the hordes of vanishing SnapChat tit pics, but one new App in the iTunes store takes the violation of privacy cake.

As some of you may already know, I’m speaking of LuLu, a Facebook integrated anonymous review program, where young females can rate their male acquaintances on their looks, commitment level, sexual prowess, and several other categories. Any of the endless slores who have had the privilege to randomly blow you now have the power to describe with detail the pros and cons of your genitalia.

After linking their Facebook accounts, girls are encouraged to select past hookups among their Facebook friends, and take a short quiz which then calculates a 1-10 rating based on their answers. Everything from first kisses to commitment level is analyzed, and at the conclusion of the quiz several predetermined hashtags may be chosen to describe the man in question. Some of these hashtags include #CleanBathroom, #BigFeet and #WillSeeRomComs, just to name a few.

If any of my male readers out there are curious to see if they’ve accumulated any reviews, I’m sorry to say you are shit out of luck. LuLu is 100% only for females, and anyone listed as a “male” on Facebook will not be able to access the app whatsoever.

While this app could potentially be a useful tool for college girls to determine the small-dicked, herpes laden men among us, the real world application is nothing more than a way for spiteful ex-hookups to spew menstrual hatred upon those that have wronged them.

I recently discovered that even I was not immune to the LuLu curse, and what I found (by creatively “borrowing” a girls phone to investigate) was both shocking and amusing. Apparently, some unknown hookup of my past had some major problems with my (complete lack of) commitment level, shown by using the hashtag #GoneByMorning. While she rated my sense of humor extremely high (she must not have read all of you assholes’ comments), I found that my appearance was rated a measly two out of ten. A fucking two? Gary Coleman is a two. If Bacon woke up one morning as a cleft-palated albino he would still be at least a 2.5. This negative rating took me to a realization: whoever this sorostitute was, she clearly had a problem with the fact that I didn’t shower her with gifts and love songs the morning after she gave me what I can only assume was a below average hour of fellatio.

Newsflash ladies, if a guy is “#GoneByMorning,” maybe he just doesn’t ever want to think of you or your undoubtedly cavernous saggy excuse for a vagina ever again?

Browsing the stupidity of this App got me thinking: what would happen if the tables were turned? How would the women of the world react if there was a platform to anonymously rate everything from their personalities to the state of their pubic hair?
First of all, the feminist nazis of the world would no doubt start a massive uproar that wouldn’t end until everyone who ever used the app-in-question was violently castrated at the stake. Women complain about double standards all the time, from not making as much as men (a fact that has been proven to be utter bullshit), to complaining about not having every single door that crosses their path held open for them. While there is no doubt that there are many double standards in our modern society, women are just as guilty as men as far as gender discrimination goes. Apps like LuLu, which would never fly if the roles were reversed, are completely permissible despite the blatant disregard for privacy.

If, however, the bizzarro form of LuLu were somehow allowed to exist, one thing is certain: it would be a hell-of-a-lot more entertaining and useful. Instead of spewing mindless spite and hatred for exes, guys would offer valid analysis of the women they’ve been lucky enough to engage in the no pants dance. We probably wouldn’t use hashtags, because they are retarded and useless outside of the Twitter realm, but if we did they would be far more enlightening, like #GivesGreatDome, #DoesntShaveRegularly, and #FineWithBootyCalls. These are both funnier than their LuLu counterparts, and actually offer valid points that one considers with potential sexual partners.

I am hopeful for the day when this reversed roles App is available, though I am pessimistic about its ability to exist. While women everywhere feel free to openly judge and bash those who have wronged them in a cowardly anonymous forum, the moment a negative comment is made about them they make it seem as if you just detonated a nuclear bomb in their rectum. Whatever happened to just using the good old-fashioned grapevine to find out if a hookup buddy was worth the chase? Why must we as a society use the endless and infinite resource of the internet for nothing more than slander? If there’s one thing that writing for TFM has taught me, it’s this: given the option of anonymity, the true asshole within each and every one of us is free to escape without consequence. Only time will tell how this LuLu App will truly affect the collegiate hookup scene, but I know that I’m not alone in hoping that it crashes, burns, and is #GoneByMorning.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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