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As adult men, I’m sure most of you have admiration and respect for a pair of well-mannered bosoms. Why wouldn’t you? Boobs are great. I love boobs. Dan loves boobs. DeVry Guy loves boobs. Most girls I know love their boobs. Sometimes I get a little jealous that I don’t have boobs, but then I recognize how unusual of a thought that is and move on with my day without telling anybody about it.
Who doesn’t love the female breast? Only losers, obviously. But who loves boobs the most? Surprisingly, it’s not one of us. It’s this guy from Asheville, N.C., who posted a novel on Craigslist about how great tits are:
From a Craigslist M4W ad titled: Too much to ask? …
Maybe this is asking too much, but . . I’m looking for inspiration and was wondering if there are any women out there who would be willing to share some of their goddess-energy with me, to put some spark in my day: I would really like to see your tits.
Phenomenal intro. Let’s keep reading.
I promise I won’t share your picture or touch myself in any way. I’m not a pervert and I promise that I won’t try to phone you to whisper, “so, uh, what are you wearing right now?” because actually I’ll be looking at your tits and I’ll know that you’re not wearing anything. I’m really a pretty decent, respectful guy; and I want to see your tits.
This is going really well so far.
I’m not looking for you to “flash” me your tits; this isn’t Friday. I don’t have any gripes with Flash Friday, and applaud any woman who flashes for fun. But this is different. If you’ll excuse the expression, this isn’t about titillation; this isn’t about sex: If I wanted to see just any old tits, well, I’ve heard rumors that there might be some secret sites on the Internet where I could maybe find pictures of actual breasts. But I don’t want that. I want you. I want your attitude. Real woman. Real tits. Real attitude.
I want to know that somewhere in this city there is a woman who knows about the power of her own tits and isn’t afraid of that power.
Any man who recognizes the power of tits, like this guy, understands that he must harness that power and use it only for good. It is one of the greatest sources of power in this world. Okay, I think you’re ready for the rest of this so I will stop interrupting now. It’s a long read, so carve some time out of your afternoon, nestle up on the couch and get to reading the greatest ode to boobs this world has ever seen.
WARNING: This guy really loves tits, and you might feel weird about tits after reading about how much he adores them.
What your tits look like really doesn’t matter. Big tits, small tits, round tits, sagging tits, pointy, pierced, painted, pristine, powdered, pert, perky or pendulous tits. Bring ’em all. I don’t care about your age (18+) or your ethnicity. Bring ’em. I need your tits. Flat-chested? Great! Bring your tits, because do you really think I’m going to be inspired by the lobular glands hanging off your chest? Is that what I’m talking about? No, I need to see your attitude. I need your “happy tit” attitude. I need to know that there are women who want to shake their tits at the night sky and howl like a wolf. Can you feel the energy, just thinking about it?!
You think America was built on the backs of immigrants? Wrong! America was built by immigrant women, on their backs, shagging like monkeys, making a new generation of Americans! And THAT’S what I’m talking about! The creative, life-sustaining power of women and their tits. I need some of that serious tit-mojo.
They’re so fun! Like upside-down apple-bobbing with soft, warm apples. Tits make me so happy!
Behind every great man, there’s a great woman, rubbing her tits on his back. And in front of every great woman, is a pair of tits. Two of ’em. Two happy tits. Tits are everywhere, and yet certain cranky people in our society try to keep them locked up out of sight. Why? It’s so clearly wrong.
Tits bring people together, in a happy, friendly way. They’re always cuddly and fun.
I don’t want some porn-industry, air-brushed, media-approved, silicone-infected, professional skin-jockey. I want you, and your real, happy tits.
Are you really going to let the failed moral standards of a repressive, patriarchal, Puritanical society stop you from showing me your tits? Think of the poor, sad Puritan pilgrim-woman, with her tits all bound up and hidden away. Are you going to let them get away with that?! No, you’re not! You’re going to laugh and smile and shake your tits in the face of The Man. (I would happily represent that Man if you had any symbolic civil disobedience planned. Let me know if I can help out.) You’re going to send me a picture of your happy, bouncy tits. The world needs your tit-energy!
And you’re not going to listen to the sour-faced, self-appointed “feminists” who want to spread their toxic life-hatred (‘Our women are being manipulated and objectified as mere sex-objects . .” Piss off, bitch! Keep your twisted, frigid analysis to yourself.) Fuck ’em! Fuck the bitter haters! They’re your tits! Your body! Your power! Tit power!
It’s not Puritan-time anymore! It’s the twenty-first century, and you’re going to show me your tits not because you’re being manipulated, or because you’re a slut, or because you’re being paid, but because you are FREE! FREEDOM!!!! It’s your choice, your body, and you can shake your tits like a wild woman! (Wild = untamed, free) Right here in the good ol’ US of A! Land of the Free (free-swinging, enjoying-the-open-air tits), Home of the Brave (brave woman who is even now wondering how to operate her web-cam). O-o, say can you see my tits? (no, I can’t because you haven’t sent me the picture yet)
But, you’re thinking, “I’m not the kind of woman who would show my tits to a stranger.” Yes, dear one, yes, you are, because today is the day where you declare your independence and take full ownership of your tits. You’re going to enter a new head-space. They’re your tits, and you can show them to whoever you want (today, that’d be me). I’m pleading with you. Don’t accept the lies. Don’t accept the mental shackles. I have a confession: I was actually born a nudist. Yes, it’s true. But then someone, without my permission, put clothes on me and brainwashed me to think that it was “normal” to wear clothes. Completely tweaked my head. And it’s so hard to live outside that mental prison. And someone did a head-job on you too. They made you think your tits are somehow “wrong”. In fact, there are actually laws that say your tits are “indecent”. Evil, repressive laws. Your tits are never wrong or bad. Your happy tits are always wonderful. Your tits are always life-positive, life-affirming! And you can do it! I have faith in you. You can show me your tits and you’ll feel great about yourself.
I love it when a woman shows a little cleavage in public. It’s like saying, “I’m nurturing, playful, tender, caring, strong and sexy as hell. I am the life-creator. I love my tits and I love being a woman.” I really love that attitude! I need to see your spirit, your joie de vivre! (that’s French for “happy tits”).
“Million Man March”? Lame, lame, candy-ass lame. You want to see the world truly change? You want to see a revolution? Put a million bare-chested women down at the Washington Mall. Two Million Tits. The world would CHANGE! Love-centered! Life-affirming! Am I right or what? Your tits have power! You know they do!
So, here’s the deal:
A) First, you should meet the following criteria. These are important, because the whole point of this is that I want to witness your real-time, in-the-moment, love of your wonderful womanhood and your bouncy goddess-given gifts:
1. you should have happy tits
2. you should be proud of your happy tits, and you should try to live up to the high ideals that your tits represent (love of self and others, life-positive, the future is important, etc.)
3. you should feel no shame about doing this. I want you to be happy and frickin’ proud about being a woman and about your happy tits. You’re doing this because YOU want to do it, because you know this is a liberating sacred gesture, because baring your breasts is an act of self-affirmation. And I want to bear witness.
4. your happy tits should be unhampered, bra-less, free and easy, unashamed, proud and happy. but, whipped cream would be okay, as would cake frosting, chocolate syrup or most any other happy food. cold oatmeal or hospital food = not happy, not okay. got it?
B) Second, take a picture of your happy tits. Close your eyes and think about what a miracle you are, about your potential as a woman. When you feel the self-love, when you feel your own power, when you truly feel that your tits are a force for Good in our world, snap the picture, and send it to me.
C) Third, you will spend the rest of the night feeling happy, liberated and free. You’re friends will ask you, “why are you smiling so much?” and you’ll just smirk and stifle a laugh, but feel REALLY happy, ELATED even. I will spend the rest of the day with a big smile on my face, grinning like an idiot, touched by the joy-giving power of your happy tits. People will see us, each living our own private lives, being really happy, and will realize that life is actually pretty good, and then they’ll feel happy too. And other people will be inspired by their happiness, and so on, and so on . . . and your happy tits could send shockwaves of happiness through the city. You have that power!
All kidding aside, I truly love and respect women and I love their happy tits. Is that really so wrong? Tits are NOT sex organs, yet our whole society is afraid of them!! (“Mustn’t let children see them!!! Cover their eyes!!!”) What’s up with that! I mean seriously, WHAT THE FUCK??!!! The strongest metaphor for mother-goddess energy, and they’ve been banned as being indecent!! Huh??!! You think maybe it has something to do with keeping women down? Hmm? Maybe?
So, send me a picture of your tits. Thanks in advance. You’re wonderful! Be Proud!
The ad is three weeks old, but it has been making the rounds on the internet today — as it should. It is one of the greatest pieces of boob literature I have ever read..
Image via Shutterstock