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I was sitting in Austin staple ThunderCloud Subs enjoying a hot pastrami sandwich a couple weeks back when I suddenly lost my appetite. No, not because fellow TFM writer Boosh was there and happened to be regaling one of our coworkers with the story about that one time he jerked off with a microwaved banana peel — I’d heard that story plenty of times already and have become immune to its whimsy. It was because of the college-aged girl who happened to enter the restaurant.
This wasn’t a bad looking girl, as you’d imagine her to be from my reaction. Her attire, however, when judging her holistically, forced me to overrule that initial reckoning. She was wearing an outfit so heinous that I would have squeezed lemon segments into my eyes to ease the pain had ThunderCloud not moved all fruit to make it inaccessible to guests after hearing Boosh was coming in that day.
‘Twas the stereotypical sorority outfit: norts underneath an oversized T-shirt. Nike sneakers, too, but I don’t have a problem with that. Those are just some good shoes.
The ensemble in question turns every girl it touches into an amorphous blob. This girl in ThunderCloud woke up that morning and was completely normal looking, even after she put on the norts. That all changed, though, when she threw on the oversized purple shirt, which caused her body to instantly and miraculously change shape. It’s like she’s a bootleg version of one of the Wonder Twins, and contact with her shirt activates her superpower: the ability to transform into an unflatteringly-shaped purple entity.
“Wonder Betch power, activate! Form of…
… a misshapen eggplant!
… a dark chocolate hershey kiss!
… a transgender version of popular McDonald’s mascot Grimace!”
I get it. If girls want to, they can dress to be comfortable instead of to impress the opposite sex. There’s no law that says girls need to always be ready for dudes to feast their eyes upon them. That’s obviously completely fine, too. I do the same thing when I wear Hawaiian shirts, Birkenstocks (hate on it, haters), and short jorts.
The difference here, ladies, is that when men dress comfortably, we still maintain a semblance of aesthetic appeal, regardless of your attitude towards the clothes we’re wearing. Because, when it comes down to it, we may be wearing clothes you think are ugly, but they’re still — you guessed it — clothes. Norts underneath an oversized T-shirt is not clothing. Not normal clothes, at least. At the very best, it’s pajamas, and at the very least, it’s an eyesore. It makes girls look like a bunch of Pac-Man ghosts running around campus, and, if you keep wearing that god-awful outfit, I can guarantee that no guy is going to take out his Clyde and shoot some Inky into your Pinky, Blinky.
Keep in mind that the girl who inspired this column is just a normal girl whose only crime against aesthetics, albeit a huge one, was deciding to wear a shirt that could double as a daredevil midget’s wingsuit. I don’t blame her, though. After all, her oversized shirt had her sorority’s nickname printed across the chest, evidencing the fact that this is a widespread fad amongst college-aged girls. The girl I saw was just an ambiguously-shaped pawn on the chess board of conformity.
And that’s just what people who wear this outfit are: conformists. Girls who wear this outfit only do it because they’re unoriginal and don’t want to risk embarrassment by showing off their own, personal, possibly not-well-received style. Guys obviously do the same thing to a degree with khakis, polos, boat shoes, etc., but our choice of clothing is much, much more stylish and casual than their absurd choice.
Oversized T-shirt and norts-wearing girls, if everybody else jumped off a bridge, would you? I know I wouldn’t. What I’d do is tell them that I was going to jump off the bridge after them, watch them all plummet to their deaths, and then go about my merry, non-flattened way. You can do this, too. All you have to do is wear normal clothes, watch your non-distinctly-shaped peers jump off the fashion bridge, and laugh at them on their way down. I believe in you..
Image via JWo Designs