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I Want The Old Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man In The World” To Come Back From Mars

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dos equis most interesting man in the world

If Mexican tap water is Montezuma’s Revenge, then Dos Equis is the Aztec apology. I can’t survive without it. You don’t know the struggle I had when I was in Canada and every time I asked, “Do you have Dos Equis?,” they answered with, “No, but we have Labatt’s. Is that okay?” (fun fact: it wasn’t). When the semester’s going on and I’m too lazy to do laundry, my blue Dos Equis T-shirt is one of the five T-shirts I proudly wear in rotation.

The reason I love Dos Equis so much is because of their certifiably badass mascot, the Most Interesting Man In The World. And I’m talking about the old Most Interesting Man — the one that graced television screens for the past decade — not the new young one. The new Most Interesting Man is a fraud who will never be as good the real thing, like that fake nice stepdad from your mother’s third marriage. The old one, on the other hand, is the gold standard of beer mascots. I’ll never forget the way he sat in the corner of a sophisticated upscale bar surrounded by gorgeous Latina women, drinking and telling adventurous stories like an alcoholic Indiana Jones.

But then he left us to boldly go where no man has gone before…

Leaving us with this cheap imitation loser Michael Phelps lookin’ ass:

Further evidencing the coolness discrepancy between the original MIMITW and the new douche is the Old Most Interesting Man’s autobiography, Stay Interesting: I Don’t Always Tell Stories About My Life, but When I Do They’re True and Amazing (TFM is a member of the Amazon Affiliate Program and may receive a commission on purchases). In the book, he explains some of the crazy but true events of his behind-the-scenes personal life. Included in the highly entertaining book is a story of how he is good friends with former President Obama. Imagine how fucking awesome that must have been: the most powerful man in the world being best friends with the Most Interesting Man in the World. What I would give to be a fly on the wall during the conversations between 44 and that silver fox.

Obama: “So, Most Interesting Man In The World, what do you think of a Mexican border wall?”

Most Interesting Man In The World: “No Bueno, mi amigo. The bigger the wall, the harder it is to bring in the Dos Equis!”

Obama: “Good point, good point.”

Biden: “Hey, Barack! I was wondering if maybe we could hang out and maybe make friendship bracelets today?”

Obama: “Can’t today, Joe; I’m busy.”

Biden: “But Barack! Ever since you started hanging out with the beer man, you haven’t had time for me. It’s like you don’t care about me anymore or something!”

Obama: “Oh Joe, stop being jealous. Calm down. Go off and get some ice cream, or ride the Amtrak back to Delaware or something and leave me alone.”

Most Interesting Man In The World: “I don’t always eat ice cream, but when I do, I get two scoops so CNN heads explode.”

I’m not a political guy, but I’d vote for the Dos Equis man for president. I’d have settled for him being my college graduation speaker, actually. After all, a Jewish actor speaking clearly scripted lines in a faux Hispanic accent always was more inspirational to me than the generic “do good, work hard, post-grad life is sunshine and rainbows” speech I got at graduation.

So I beg of you, Dos Equis: bring the original Most Interesting Man In The World back from Mars. We all know he crushed it up there. Give us a couple commercials of him boozing with aliens and doing the moonwalk on the moon then bring him back down to earth where he belongs.

I yearn for the day I’ll be able to hear my man say, “Stay thirsty, my friends” again.

Image via YouTube

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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