On Winning Over Her Best Friend And/Or Sorority Big

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There are a lot of old clichés you hear when it comes to dating women. One of the most annoying of those is the “Overprotective Loved Ones” cliché. There’s the classic father cleaning his shotgun, father showing off his gun rack, and of course, if you’re dating a Japanese girl, father polishing the katana that represents his family’s honor and contains the souls of their vengeful ancestors. There’s also the disapproving grandmother (“He’s too poor/ethnic/etc!”), the knuckle cracking older brother (“You hurt my little sis, and I hurt you, and I won’t even have to take off my letter jacket to do it.”), the suspicious mother (“What exactly do you want with my daughter, which I’m asking without realizing that I’m making my daughter sound worthless.”)

The list is as long as it is stupid. For one thing, if a father were trying to act intimidating and showed off his gun collection, in reality it would be because 1) He’s a tool, and 2) He’s using his store of firearms as a last ditch effort to prevent what he knows deep in his heart is the inevitability of his daughter being thoroughly penetrated before the next morning dawns, and then again shortly after the next morning dawns, possibly in the shower. Only an idiot would be afraid of such a desperate display. If anything, it should make the guy excited. All that’s standing between you and banging out the poor bastard’s daughter is that empty threat of violence.

Let’s be real, Dad; it’s the year 2013, and you’re going to shoot my dick off with a hunting rifle? Enjoy jail and losing all your family’s money in the massive settlement I’ll inevitably win because of your actions. A settlement I’ll use to have a team of scientists grow me a new, better penis on the back of raccoon. Yeah, that’s right, a raccoon, because a mouse’s frail spine won’t be able to handle the pants cannon I’m ordering as a replacement. After that, the only person protecting that father’s daughter’s vagina with a gun will be the pimp holding a pearl handled revolver, and he’ll only be wielding it if someone didn’t pay after they too banged his daughter, who is now having to sell what he once so held so dear, just to provide his newly homeless family with Ramen, bread, and eggs.

Am I the only one who daydreams that scenario when meeting a father for the first time? Explaining the evil smirk I get by the end of it can be awkward. My point is that dads don’t scare me. Besides, if a girl is sleeping with me, then chances are she hates her father anyway.

The disapproving grandmother is real, but unless she’s running the family trusts, she’s basically just shouting nonsense from the corner. In fact, she probably is quite literally shouting nonsense from the corner. No female under 30 seriously takes an old woman’s advice about whom or what to put where unless there are direct financial consequences. Sue Johanson excluded, obviously. Apropos of nothing other than the beautiful sexual daydream I just had after thinking about Sue Johanson, she and Helen Mirren are at the top of my “Would Smash Over 60” list.

Brothers and mothers provide more of a challenge for potential suitors, but the one close relationship worthy of worry is the best friend. The best friend, or even worse, the sorority big, pulls all the strings. They are capable of providing both relationship AND sexual advice without any of it being awkward or taken with a grain of salt. They are a dual threat, the Russell Wilsons of cock blocks. They can and will sway your girl’s opinion, seemingly on a whim. In fact, it seems like it’s usually on a whim instead of for legitimate reasons.

DAMN YOUR SICK GAMES! I know you want me gone, and I promise I’ll never talk to your friend again after tomorrow morning if you just lay off of me tonight.*

*For some reason they aren’t a fan of that rationale.

This isn’t to say meddling best friends and bigs can’t be overcome. Having a quality wingman, or giving zero fucks, are both excellent strategies when dealing with this sort of joy-sucking evil. Still, if I’m going to put any amount of thought towards pacifying a (rightly) suspicious close friend or family member, it’s going to be the best friend and/or big. At the end of the day, a girl’s family members will trust that girl’s judgment. You are innocent until proven douchey in their eyes. If the family doesn’t trust the girl’s judgment, well, they’ve likely long given up on her anyway. With a best friend or big, you are given looks generally reserved for Middle-Easterners in American airports. You trying to explain that you’re really a nice guy is often as futile as the man in the turban explaining to the TSA agents lubing up their gloved hands that he’s actually a pacifist Hindu from India.

So, if you do run into a big or best friend whose sole mission is to make sure she and her BFF go home alone to eat pizza and drink some wine, what’s the best way to deal with it? Really, a good wingman is always the best option. As long as everyone is having fun, there shouldn’t be a problem. If for some reason you don’t have a quality wingman available, do not use a second rate option. A bad wingman is worse than no wingman at all. Your drunk buddy creepily hitting on her friend will have infinitely more adverse effects than the best friend or big thinking that you’re being a creep to her friend.

“NO, Brian, it was not a good idea to offer bathroom sex while we waited in line for burritos.”

If there’s no wingman available, then your night is getting a lot more expensive. You’re now stuck trying to win the approval of two girls, which means you’ve got to be twice as entertaining, and you’ll be buying drinks for three instead of two. Probably some late night food, too. It’s important to demonstrate your value via $2 shots and filthy Mexican food. For a magnetic personality such as myself, that isn’t a problem.

“Did’ya knew I writes fer Tee-efffffff-EM? Lets make out urnd yer frand cun put whatever on my tab. NBD.”

If I’m crying the morning after sex, it’s most likely because I found last night’s receipt in my pocket.

If neither of those two options are viable, I hope you’re handsome as shit, because that’s really all I got, but they are fool proof. If the girl is out with a disapproving best friend or big, either become her best friend or find her another one. Simple as that.


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