One Time When I was on Adderall…

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1. I spent hours on the Ford website trying to “build my own” Ford Taurus to see if I could make it an awesome car. I could not.

2. I picked up the local newspaper and got sucked into the obituary section. It made me sad like everyone listed was a close member of my family.

3. I had two finals on the same day and planned on studying for both. I studied for exam #1 for 14 hours straight and completely forgot about exam #2.

4. I stayed after class one day and proposed a class-wide extra credit assignment to my professor.

5. In May of 2007, I Google searched, and then studied, the Playboy Playmate chest hammers on Miss May 2007 through Miss September 1968, in reverse chronological order.

6. I was studying for an accounting exam, chapters one through four. I read all the way to chapter seven.

7. I congratulated the classmate next to me for setting the exam curve.

8. I realized I commented on 12 consecutive Facebook photos in a girl’s “Summer ’06” album.

9. I took 15 virtual tours of homes for sale in the greater Chicago area. I’ve never been to Chicago.

10. I laid out full amortization schedules for mortgages ranging from 250k up to 500k, at 25k intervals, at interest rates ranging from 3.75% to 5.25%, at .25% intervals. I was supposed to be preparing for a business law exam.

11. I bought an acoustic guitar and gave myself self-starter YouTube lessons.

12. I researched the origin of cargo shorts, searching for scandalous activity with the steadfast intention of bringing the whole industry to its knees.

13. I watched three consecutive episodes on the Home Shopping Network.

14. I purchased some quick-fix home improvement putty and a pair of scissors that can cut through a quarter from the Home Shopping Network.

15. I was creeping so hard on a girl’s Facebook albums that I didn’t stop until I hit her middle school photos.

16. I pissed 20 times in 12 hours.

17. I researched the beginning of nudie mags, got sorta into them, and then caught myself developing an affinity for gratuitous bush.

18. I convinced myself I was ready to take on a 21 hour spring semester.

19. I convinced myself I was destined for law school…as an undeclared first semester freshman with a sub 2.0 GPA.

20. I went for a scenic walk around campus.

21. I got lost on campus while taking a scenic walk.

22. I arranged every TV in the house in a way that I could view all of them at the same time from a specific spot on the living room couch.

23. I found my childhood baseball card collection, picked out all the rookie cards, and then researched each of their values online.

24. I saw a link for a sports blooper YouTube video, got sucked in, and finally snapped out of it after a search for “deadly car crashes.”

25. I read a pointless Adderall column on this website instead of studying.

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email:

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