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Guys, we think with our dicks. It’s time we all admit it and work through that, because you’ve never said “she has the best set of personality traits I’ve ever seen” and meant “personality traits” as anything other than a euphemism for tits. As a result of routing all our brain function through our nether regions when in pursuit of a mate, we tend to see a girl that passes the eye test with flying colors as someone we should pursue.
This, while in our biological wiring, is also really, really fucking stupid.
“You soulless ginger fuck”, you exclaim while spilling your beer all over your laptop. “A girl being hot is one of the most important things when it comes to whether or not you’re interested!” I’m going to stop you right there, chief. How many times have you been plenty interested in a girl that doesn’t crack the top rankings because you were drunk and the alcohol had handed control of the helm over to Lt. Commander Frockington for the evening? I thought so. We’re all guilty of thinking with our dicks. I’m not even saying there’s shame in that. Occasionally, the bastard makes good decisions. That said, thinking with your dick will eventually lead to one of those regrets you wistfully tell your son about before making some grand commentary on life and love. You want to have a limited number of those moments. If you’re generating a new one every weekend in undergrad, you should re-evaluate your life choices or become the new Hunter S. Thompson.
So, why is pursuing the ten a mistake? Because she’ll be the white whale to your Captain Ahab (though she will most certainly not be a literal whale unless you have an interesting taste in women). The greatest danger of the ten is that much of what you’re experiencing is a siren song. Soon, you’ll be dashed upon the rocks and pissed off that you wasted your time or got your heart broken by the incredibly hot girl. I hate to jump into stereotypes here, but there are a lot of incredibly attractive but ultimately terrible people, male and female. Girls, as much as we sometimes disregard the other things, are much more than a nice set of tits and a body sculpted by a Renaissance artist. There are plenty of solidly attractive girls out there that have a lot more going for them than just looks, and looks don’t last forever, my friends. Just look at aging Hollywood stars. I mean, most of you probably would say no to Betty White today, because she’s pushing 120 now. Back in the day, though, she was absolutely a ten. Biology basically stops giving a fuck about physical appearance after 40, so keep that in mind when you’re dating a girl that looks like a porn star but has the personality of an unsocialized harpy.
My grandfather gave me a great piece of advice one day, back when I was still young enough that girls were icky and I couldn’t really relate to it. “Marry a racehorse, and you’ll get left at the starting gate,” he said. It was out of the blue, but I guess he could already tell the apple hadn’t exactly fallen far from the family tree and he thought he needed to impart that knowledge before I swung for the fences and accidentally pumped a baby into Taylor Swift or something. Pop was not exactly one for pulling punches on life lessons, but I think I’m a lot better off for it.
So what’s my point? The ten, much like my grandfather advised, is on average a great girl to have fun with. Hell, you might even meet one that has an IQ off the charts and a full ride to med school. If you find that one, keep her around, because she’ll help you take over the world one day. If not, don’t just pursue or stick with a girl because she takes your flagpole to full staff so fast it generates a sonic boom audible on the International Space Station. More often than not, in my experience, these girls live in a bubble where they’ve gotten everything they’ve ever wanted simply because they’re very attractive. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing for them, because being resourceful is always a good trait to have, but they’re the kind of girl to always be shopping around for the next best thing. If you aren’t the absolute best thing, or even are only the best thing for the moment, that puts you under a lot of pressure and sets up a relationship with all the stability of a keg of nitroglycerin being carried through an active volcano by Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining.
My advice, after a long line of crazy girlfriends and bad relationships, is to go for someone you like for a lot more than just her ability to make you cream your pants simply by looking at you the right way or licking your ear. If you want to use college to date girls like that, be my guest. It’s absolutely the time to do it. The economics of boning are in a bull market cycle, if you will. If you’re looking for future wife material, consider some input from your brain (the one you study with) and don’t put yourself in a situation where it’s just going to be a lot of drama, heartache, and threats of orbital missile strikes based on your cell phone’s GPS location because her dad sells missiles for a living. If your brain is telling you to find a solidly attractive girl with a lot of other things to offer, you might want to listen. Remember: your dick is responsible for every time you’ve had to buy Plan B.
Also, ladies, the entirety of this column applies to dudes on whatever scale you all use to rank us as well. Except we’re even worse on the top end of the scale, because we’re flaky motherfuckers that are really bad at this whole monogamy thing. See every high profile professional athlete ever for examples..
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