What Your Clothes Say About You

“You can be anything in life as long as you dress the part”

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(Gymshark Girl With 3,417 Followers):

This is somewhat of a new wave I have noticed in the last couple of years. Going to the gym is something normal people should do for obvious reasons ranging from improvement in self confidence to boosting physical health overall. But for a girl that has 15% off on Gymshark leggings using code “Aubrie” (yes without a “Y”) going to the gym is the essence of her entire existence. Sharing video after video of squats, fire hydrant stretches, and all sorts of barbell aerobic exercise, these girls hook you in with sped up videos of their butts in skin tight aqua Gymshark (which produce a cacophony of weird Avatar sex dreams) then suffocate you with a litany of peach emojis, Future songs, and pictures of her boyfriend who resembles a bronzer version of the incredible hulk. A Gymshark girl emphasizes how detrimental alcohol could be on her follower’s gains and sees weed as smokeable poison ivy. In her mind, the incredible shots she will take in a free bikini in Saint Thomas will trump any frat party, music festival, or bar tab… and with her FLAT stomach and FAT ass I am in no position to disagree.

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(The Only Led Zeppelin Song I Know Is Stairway To Heaven But I Think Wearing Classic Rock Tee Shirts and Dock Martin Combat Boots Make Me Look Edgy): One of the funniest things my girlfriend has ever said to me (and there are a lot girls are really funny I love when she talks about her vagina) was “guarantee you girls who wear Def Leppard t shirts just wear it for the band t shirt trend to look edgy because if they actually listened to Def Leppard they would know their music fucking sucks.” This girl does not want to be cast along with her friends wearing jean jackets because standing out is most likely important to her. Her vsco is a portfolio of quotes some meth head wrote with no intention of being deep, the sky, and blurry pictures of her friends peeing. Nothing wrong with using the music your Dad used to play while throwing back some Bud Heavys in high school for some Instagram clout, but we all know you would rather go to the gynecologist than a Gene Simmons meet and greet.

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(I Moved To NYC and Now Think It’s Okay To Dress Like An Asshole): Originally from some wealthy suburb, this guy (now in his early to mid-twenties) spends frivolously on “fashion forward” trends that will be in GQ come next fall season. Ashamed by his affluent background, he will do his best to make sure he can befriend as many minorities as possible (who usually went to Art School) so he can attempt to live vicariously through the oppression they suffer. Maybe this is what he wears today, but tomorrow he will wear his pea coat that was especially tailored to be sported at a anti-dairy-industry rally. His Instagram is composed of photos of him surrounded by aforementioned friends smoking cigarettes with filler photos of random things he feels will fit the weird New York City aesthetic. These men, who all strive to look like Timothee Chalamet, like to refer to themselves as “skinny boys” who enjoy posing somewhat naked in photography. Any moment to make a joke at the expense of his Trump-supporting-family-that-pay-for-his-two-bedroom-apartment’s ignorance is his time to shine. He is lanky, poses with guitars but does not play, and LOVES the 1975.

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(Ugg Boots, Dog Hair, Cigarettes, and A Beat Up Volvo): I know what your thinking, “Bobby Ugg boots haven’t been a thing since 2014 at the latest,” and I would agree. The 2012 tumblr/white girl mantra of ugg boots, Starbucks coffee, and Keep Calm and Pour Some Wine is long dead. However, you can’t forget about the community of white trash women who still wear uggs “because their easy to slip on and I’m a single parent.” After getting knocked up as a young adult, this woman has two different kids from two different Dads, who despite one of them claiming a disability check, cannot muster child support on time. She lives with her Mom, she loves her dogs, and she enjoys smoking a cigarette between shifts in her car. I know I am giving her a little bit of a roast, but she is the backbone of America. Anybody who doesn’t tip her at least ten percent when Dining is solely responsible for her one child’s obesity and her father’s blood pressure. Her uggs are stepped on to their breaking point before she gets a new pair for Christmas (where she will cry with gratitude), and if she was only the least bit charismatic, it would go a long way for her romantically (at least until he finds out her vagina looks like a ravaged dog toy after birthing two kids).

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(This Fucking Shirt): Death, Taxes, and 11-18 year old first generation American boys wearing a teal Aeropostale shirt. There is nothing wrong this clothing choice, might I remind you; in fact, a white kid wearing this among the Abercrombie phase of the 2000’s is the more cringe reaction I have to this shirt. But, I have to call a spade a spade, I grew up only seeing this shirts on kids whose parents saved up, worked their ass off, and immigrated to a country that popularized the Diary of A Wimpy Kid series. This shirt got me an “A-“ on several Social Studies projects in 6th grade and a tissue in a time of need. Don’t give this kid shit, or else you’re a douchebag.

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(Rich Chinese Foreign Exchange Student): I am way too far removed from street culture to understand the brands that Chinese students wear, but they flaunt a college tuition through the hallways of universities and private schools all across the country. Call me crazy, but if I see an Asian person walking down the street in Balenciaga, Louis Virton, and Canada Goose, my first instinct is that they are probably not Asian-American. Most of the foreign exchange students from my high school would go to New York or Philly on weekends and legitimately blow through 10 grand. One kid even told me that after their college applications were finalized, they would get bottle service and strippers at elite clubs in the northeast without a fake ID because “money talks.”

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(The Kid That Wears The Same Fucking Jersey To Every Social Event): He isn’t necessarily a douchebag, but he isn’t somebody you would ever go out of your way to talk to. Like a US Naval Officer, he takes he uniform of khaki Levis chinos, Sperries, the one Tunesquad or Mike Bibby on the Vancouver Grizzlies Jersey over a grey sweatshirt to a tee. He is the classic “fringe guy.” He is a filler kid that will have three or four beers, one dab pen rip, then Uber home. He might get with a cute girl every now and again but nobody will really care. He will make it to your group chat pregame once in a blue moon and will only recite sports takes directly from Colin Cowherd he heard from his podcast. He is so average at everything that it is genuinely annoying to everybody. The one notable thing about this kid, is that he would jump off a bridge for the kid he perceives as “the alpha male” (basically anybody loud and obnoxious) he is always there for that kid with Uber rides, Hulu passwords, and so on.

This is Part 1 of many I’m sure as the brainstorming session for this blog had my notes app fuller than Teanna Trump’s asshole on Blacked. Please for the love of God share one blog of mine to someone you think might find it entertaining. I really just want to work from a laptop this summer while playing the “is this toothpaste or a cum stain” on my white tee shirt game.