What Your Music Taste Says About You
College is the only time in your life where people are convinced that you are growing and developing skills by skipping an 8 AM every Friday just to continue the bender you’ve had going since Wednesday. On top of that, your parents are actually assured that the thousands of dollars they are throwing into your University is doing anything positive for you. Although the only resume builder you have achieved over the last three years is a fake philanthropy chair position for one semester.
Maybe you haven’t achieved anything, maybe your GPA sucks, but at least after an ice cold milky bong rip that music really starts to hit nice. Music of all genres is blasted among college campuses across America, and with the amount of drugs and alcohol in your system over your four-year binge, music makes for a pretty nice muse.
Guess what, your deep love for music literally makes you less original than the 16-year-olds on TikTok doing the same fucking dance with their shirt off for 1.2 million likes. No one wants to listen to the shitty music you post on your Instagram story every fucking day. We all know your annoying music interest is only so people think you’re way deeper than the two brain cells left in you after living a fraternity house, so here’s a 100% accurate description of what your music taste says about you.
If you find yourself unable to stand still while listening to music or unable to listen to anything under 128 bpm, this is probably your shit. EDM fans are genuinely the worst, how many times have you been talking to an EDM fan and he is forcing you to listen to the sirens and screeches of the music, all while staring at you with the most adderall fueled deadlock eye contact you’ve seen since you forgot your pledge masters name. He keeps staring at you, the wubs and dubs don’t sound any better, but he just keeps banging his head and moving his one wrist up and down in the air looking like he’s stretching that bitch out, repeating “just wait for it bro” “dude just fucking wait this shit goes so hard” (WUBBBBBBBBBBBBB DUBBBBB ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, BA DA BA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM) “HOLY SHIT YOU HEAR THAT SHIT?” “THAT’S WHY MARSHMALLOW IS THE GOAT BABY FUCK YEAH”. This is all taking place as the greasy adderall crackhead has both of his sweaty arms around two of his fellow EDM enthusiasts while jumping up and down like an idiot. Unless you plan on accidentally doing meth a couple of times in your constant EDM molly binges, stay away from this one.
If you’ve landed on the TFM website and rap is your favorite genre of music, we know who you are. The kid, let’s call you Jay, trying to make his life seem way harder than it is. Jay wants to hide the fact that his parents’ names are Thomas and Amanda and own a $650,000 house. None of Jay’s friends have seen his house because Jay wishes he was from the projects, rather than his mom bringing out pizza rolls with that classic loving mom smile. Jay made a SoundCloud “as a joke” but is actually convinced he’s gonna make it, so he’ll bring it up every other day. Jay will always tell you about how hard his come ups been and how hard he works for him. Jay will also be telling you about his bag chasing, the money on his mind, and how he was more affected by the death of Juice WRLD than his own grandma, all while hurling the n-word out of his white mouth every couple of sentences. It’s okay to like rap, just don’t be like Jay.
Fortunately, this is Total Frat Move, not Total Sorority Move, so I’m hoping to run into as few pop enthusiasts as possible. Now I’m not calling anything popular pop, I’m talking bullshit like “Say So”, “Truth Hurts”, “Hips Don’t Lie”, “Fergalicious”, and anything by G-Eazy. If you find yourself listening to the songs every girl at the party knows every damn word to on your own time, you have a lot to think about. Do you think being able to sing the lyrics of Becky’s favorite song will get you laid? Is it that worth it to you? If you do find yourself shuffling the spotify top 100 and enjoying every song, you have been put on immediate sus watch until further notice.
Your dad kept your great grandpa’s KKK memorabilia and refuses to get rid of it because it’s “a part of American history”.
Do you actually listen to the Grateful Dead? And Phish!? That is so unique and hipster of you. Seriously though, you’re a douchebag. Do you think anyone wants to listen to a 25-minute live recording of a bunch of old dudes slapping the keyboard with more force than your dad after he found out you got cut from the freshman baseball team? No, Trey Anastasio is fucking weirdo and Jerry Garcia is not a prophet, they both just did a ton of acid. These people are the opposite of the EDM lovers, instead of popping molly and sweating everywhere, these guys take 6 grams of mushrooms and get so deep into their own head they literally turn into aliens. The wooks that associate themselves with jam bands are some of the greasiest disease-ridden humans I have ever seen with my own two eyes.
You’re a total asshole, there’s no way you actually enjoy this shit and all the women that admire you for it just think you’re a jackass for listening to classical music.
Music is a great way to express yourself through sound. And it sounds like you’re a douchebag regardless.