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Parties at my house have been getting especially weird this semester, and I’m not talking about the cool Eyes Wide Shut kind of weird. That would be amazing. I wish we could do that theme.
No, my house has been getting more like a less-classy-version-of-Delta-House level of weird. We’ve destroyed pretty much all of our furniture. For some reason, guys just can’t stop defenestrating heavy, yet incredibly breakable objects. Every weekend there’s a new hole in the drywall. Right before spring break, someone shattered a huge mirror in the bathroom with their fist, left shards of glass and pools of blood everywhere (I’m pretty sure that’s bad luck), and then just went back on the dance floor and continued drinking. Unbelievable. Two weeks ago I was walking up the stairs and in – I shit you not – the middle of the damn stairwell I saw one of my brothers being literally breastfed by a sorority girl. True story. Which I believe to be in poor taste (no pun intended). Suffice it to say that shit has just been getting bizarre lately.
After a great deal of deep and introspective reflection, I believe that I’ve finally figured out why things have been escalating to such a ridiculous level of insanity in recent weeks. Our party themes have been too complicated.
I realize that correlation doesn’t always indicate causation, but in this case, it’s just been too uncanny of a trend to ignore. Empirical evidence has piled up all semester and I’m beyond convinced. Every time we throw a party with a theme that’s either shitty or confusing, bad things happen to perfectly decent people. For whatever reason, if everyone isn’t firmly on the same page about a party’s theme, they just decide to make their own theme. And more often than not, it is “get blackout drunk and act like a raging psychopath.”
Recently, we had a sorority over to our house for a mixer before our open party (very chill). The theme of the mixer was “do it for a dollar” — a name which, in and of itself, was reasonable grounds for the immediate impeachment of our social chairs. The idea behind this somehow illegal sounding theme was actually somewhat simple. Everybody received a stack of fake dollar bills at the beginning of the party. At the end of the party, whoever had the most bills “won.” Seriously stellar idea, guys.
The chaos kicked in during the competition. The execution was just too vague. Participants could do literally anything to earn bills. As long as it involved the trading of goods and or services in exchange for fake money (no stealing – we’re gentlemen), it was fair game. I don’t remember if there was even a reward for whoever ended up with the most fake money at the end of the night. All I know is that the “do it for a dollar” party quickly turned into a “prostitution” themed party.
That was the night of the infamous breastfeeding incident! I truly don’t know who was paying who in that particular scenario. From my end, it looked like everyone was losing. I’ve never seen so many backhand pimp-slaps, flying-69s, butt-luges, CTE-inducing beer detonations, classless nudity, and just all around Jackass 3D-type shit in my life. I think I saw someone licking the floor at one point.
My point is, all of this absurdity could have been easily avoided by simply NOT having a “prison-style fiat-capitalism” themed mixer. It’s that easy! Our best nights have been nights when our party’s theme is simply “America” or “Golf Bros and Tennis…Women.” Timeless classics like the “Get Hammered, Get Nailed” construction theme. Simple shit! When the theme is suspect, the party goes off the rails into crazy town, and fast. If there’s one simple piece of advice that I would dare impart upon any risk managers reading this, it’s to keep your social chairs on a tight leash when it comes to party themes. Keep it simple. Keep it straightforward. It might just save you some serious money on future therapy sessions..