Pentagon Claims Putin Has High-Functioning Autism

Pentagon Claims Putin Has High-Functioning Autism

A study from the Pentagon has determined that Russian President Vladimir Putin has Asperger’s syndrome, which is a high-functioning form of autism. The study was conducted in 2008, but it didn’t surface until recently.

From USA Today:

A study from a Pentagon think tank theorizes that Russian President Vladimir Putin has Asperger’s syndrome, “an autistic disorder which affects all of his decisions,” according to the 2008 report obtained by USA TODAY.

When asked about the Pentagon’s findings, Putin reportedly clasped both hands to his ears while screaming, “I DON’T KNOW YOU! I DON’T KNOW YOU!” before sprinting to his office to play with his toy cars, which he meticulously arranges in a straight line from biggest to smallest. Don’t you fucking touch his toy cars.

Later, sources confirmed that Putin and his long-lost brother — a fast-talking con man who secretly has a heart of gold — took to the casinos in downtown Krasnoyarsk, where the two raked in 10 million rubles at the blackjack table.

Through the scientific process of watching videos with the sound muted, researchers came to the conclusion that Putin is mildly autistic as fuck.

From The Guardian:

Brenda Connors, the lead researcher based at the US Naval War College, appears to have come to this conclusion based on ‘movement pattern analysis’ – essentially, watching videos of the Russian president, and making some sort of link between the way that he moves, and his state of mind.

… the basic idea goes like this: first, get a video of the person in question. Next, strip out the audio, and ‘examine’ the video to establish ‘a baseline pattern’ of the speaker’s movements.

The fact that this study was conducted back in 2008 and hasn’t seen the light of day until now, coupled with the fact that “movement pattern analysis” sounds like a baseless and unscientific means of diagnosing a complex neurodevelopmental disorder, might make it seem like this entire story is complete and utter bullshit. But you’re wrong, man. In no way does this study indicate that our world record military budget is so high that researchers are grasping at straws to do something, anything, with the massive piles of taxpayer cash dropped at their doorsteps every morning, like a copy of the Wall Street Journal.

It is in all of our best interests to just accept this story at face value — that’s what Mother Russia would want of her people, too.

[via USA Today, The Guardian]

Image via Shutterstock

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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