Caroline Bano
Not only did your liver survive the four years of alcohol poisoning, but you also graduated with a B- average. Congrats! Never again will you be able to scream the lyrics to I Love College at a college party (if you find yourself at a college party post-grad, please reach out for help). However, you are excited about your bright future. It’s all up from here!! Wrong. You will never have to deal with the man again now that you’re free from your undergrad!!!! Wrong. WOW, LIFE IS PERFECT! Wrong.
Unfortunately, being an adult kinda sucks in the beginning. But I am way happier with my life now than I was in college. You just have to get over the initial shock of post-grad life. Now, I am not the most qualified person to tell you about post-grad. However, I am going to do it anyways. Just call me mommy Caroline, (you can call me MC, short for Milf Caroline). I will guide you through your post-grad life.
1. Find Friends
Don’t neglect your social life. Friends can be hard to find in adulthood. In college, you were friends with people in your sorority, in your major, on your teams, or with people who lived on your floor. In adult life, you have to go out and find them. Put your big girl panties on and tell social anxiety to STFU. Pop a Sunday Scaries (#ad) if you need help chilling out. (If my boss is reading this, can I get paid for this product placement? (Who am I kidding, there’s no way he’s reading this)). Don’t be shy. I’ve met friends through dm-ing strangers, going to parties where I didn’t know anyone, talking to people on the train, even going to people’s apartments after the bars close (be aware of stranger danger, be safe!). You’re cool and people will like you. But the only way for them to know who you are is to put yourself out there.
2. You Don’t Have to Be Friends with People From College
Thank God. So there was that one guy who you pretended to like even though he was a total ass just because he was in the friend group?? Well, you’re post-grad now and you don’t have to pretend to like him anymore. Sure, if your friend group ends up all taking jobs at the same company, in the same city, and remaining close friends, maybe you will. But that’s unlikely. Feel free to not pretend with those jerks who always made rude comments to you. You don’t have to be friends with the girl who hooked up with your crush even though she knew you guys were going on dates. Cut those assholes loose!! On the other hand, try to stay connected to your roommates or friends that live far away. You don’t have to call them every week. But those relationships are one of a kind and shouldn’t be left behind.
3. Google Drugs Before You Take Them
For legal purposes, I am just going to leave it at that.
4. Hustle as Hard as You Party
In college, you had to “work a little to ball a lot.” Unfortunately in the real world, you have to work fucking hard to ball a lot. Shit is expensive. Life is competitive. That doesn’t mean you don’t get to party hard. But make sure you set yourself up for success. Partying is more fun when you can pay for your bar tab. Ambition doesn’t mean you aren’t fun. People who go hard in the paint at work most often also go hard in the paint at happy hour. I think you can work just as hard as you party. One time, I saw a 60-year-old wall street bro fall over at happy hour. You just know that guy makes money. Takes happy hour just as seriously as his work. I mean, he was wearing an Armani suit… so…
5. Get in Therapy
I heard Chelsea Handler say the one piece of advice she would give post-grads is to get into therapy. It’s so easy to do nowadays with electronic talk therapy. Even if you don’t think you need it, do it. I promise it’s the best gift you will give yourself.
6. Delete Any Problematic Tweets
It’s 2021, if you haven’t swept through your Twitter by now, you’re probably hopeless. Please go through that bad boy and delete everything that remotely looks like you’re an asshole. Honestly, just delete your Twitter. No one is reading it anyway.
7. You Can Negotiate Your Paycheck
Don’t sell yourself short. When negotiating pay. Don’t try to be nice or easy going. If you feel like you’re doing more work than your co-workers, talk to your boss. Good employees are hard to find. If they don’t value you or pay you what you’re worth, most likely, someone else will. Find out when you’re due for a raise. Show them you’re worth the money.
8. Start Investing and Saving
Depending on your situation, of course. I mean, if you majored in elementary ed, and took out loans for your education, don’t stress. You’re probably a good person and value other things above money. But for you money-hungry whores who majored in something that will make you money, don’t let your money lose its value sitting in your savings account. Put that shit in the market. Let’s make some actual money. Took me a long time to get over my fear of investing. But thanks to a few finance bros who I trust dearly, I put my savings account into Robinhood. Best decision. Invest in crypto. Sorry, but it’s the future. Fuck bitches get bitcoin!!!!
9. Take Your Credit Score Seriously
Don’t ruin your credit score. Don’t just open credit cards willy nilly. Fixing your credit score is way harder than fucking it up. It will come back to haunt you! Don’t buy the shoes if you can’t afford them. 100 dollars looks way better in your bank account than on your feet.
10. Write Off Everything You Can On Your Taxes
Rent, work clothes, ubers, food, work computer, if it can be written off, I’ve done it.
11. Go For It
There is no time like the present. If there is something you want to do, do it. Don’t take the easy way out. There might be a great job offer, but if it’s not what you want to do, don’t ignore your gut. This is your life. Of course, you got to pay your rent and eat. But that doesn’t mean you can’t go for your dreams. In our society, we praise people who took huge chances. People like Jeff Bezos and Phil Knight looked like losers to everyone around them until they became successful. Phil Knight’s first girlfriend broke up with him because she said he was going to be poor his whole life. He is the founder and owner of Nike. Yes, there were huge sacrifices for him to be as successful as he is today. But if you got a dream, you got to go for it.
12. Don’t Take Yourself Seriously
Life is not that serious. You’re still insanely young. If you don’t get the job you want…. whatever. You and your college boyfriend breakup? Life goes on. Keep moving. You’re going to make mistakes. Who cares! The people who can’t look past your mistakes are boring anyway. Put your phone down, go get a marg and chill out. Stay crazy and fun. Don’t compare your life to others. Wear whatever you want. Eat whatever you want. Hang out with whoever you want. You’re a mother fucking adult.
MC is here for you babies. You’re going to do great. If you feel lonely or undervalued. Congrats!! You’re doing post-grad life correctly. It gets better. It’s supposed to be hard. Keep Moving, it gets a lot better and your life is going to be wonderful!
