I always assume that when someone at a college is streaking, they are either A) hammered drunk, B) a pledge, or C) both. That’s because usually when someone is streaking, it’s at night, or at a sporting event, or a sorority serenade, or at a funeral as a gesture of solidarity for their fraternity brother, Streakin’ Steve, who loved streaking and was known to do it whenever he blacked out, but died tragically in a streaking accident after a city bus couldn’t see his white body against the backdrop of freshly fallen snow, and then couldn’t stop in time on the icy road.*
*This is in the top ten most likely scenarios for my death.
Anyway, when streaking happens on a Wednesday afternoon, on campus, and in broad daylight with a skateboard, it doesn’t seem like any of these options are likely. So why exactly was this kid strutting around A&M with his D&Bs flopping around? No idea. So, let’s try to guess!
For starters, it doesn’t look like this streaker is having ANY fun. His head is down in shame, and there is no joy on his face. Usually a streaker’s exhuberent expression tells the world, “LOLOLOLOLOL YOU’RE ALL LOOKING AT MY DICK OH WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY!”
5 to 1 odds this guy woke up on a roof, naked and lost, after a 14-hour acid trip.
Make no mistake, that cadet’s eyes are lost in the streaker’s bushy, exposed crotch, presumably as Aladdin‘s “A Whole New World” rings out inside his head.
This guy isn’t even streaking; he’s wandering.
Annnnnnd you’re arrested. This might be the worst streaker in history. Are we sure he didn’t actually travel back through time? He’s naked and looks extremely lost. Check him for crystals or something, and ask him to predict this year’s Super Bowl. If he either answers correctly, or responds to the question by saying, “The Super Bowl? I’ve only heard stories. They haven’t held one of those since the war began, nearly a century before,” then yes, he is from the future, but will unfortunately be unable to aid your sports gambling addiction.