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When I was only a JI, I was appointed VP of Branding. I was ecstatic that such power was being invested in me so early on in my fratting career. I would walk around the house with my portable crucible and “#KONY2012” brand (this was all the way back during my pledgeship, mind you, when we thought we wouldn’t need a #KONY2013 ☹), just tagging everybody who walked by me. It was great fun until our president told me that I was supposed to be doing the marketing kind of branding and not the flesh sizzling kind. It was at that time that I was demoted to Pledge Mastur(bator), a position I hold to this date because A) nobody else wants it, and B) even if they did, I wouldn’t let them have it. I’m making such a difference in these losers’ lives just by giving them the business in our dark and musty basement. They’re weird as fuck for enjoying it, and I don’t necessarily like doing it, but I took an oath. “To Jerk and Protect.” It’s a TFM.
Anyways, it brought a tear to my eye and a longing for the olden days when Uncle Rodge showed me this story:
7 News has learned that the non-sanctioned Zeta Alpha Phi fraternity branded a student with a hot coat hanger shaped as the letter ‘Z’ during a recruitment pledge event.
7 News mentioned that the incident occurred “at the fraternity house at 72 Miner Street.” Let’s just take a looksee at that real qui…OH MY GOD IT’S TERRIBLE.
What a dump. It looks like it should be on the cover of “Trap House Magazine.” I’m surprised the pledge left there with just a branding and not a dime bag, tetanus, or one of those crazy bird things from The Cabin In The Woods.
It’s pretty lame that the ZAPpers (I assume they’re called that) didn’t shell out the extra dough to get an actual brand, but I guess we don’t all have connections to that Kony public masturbation guy. Branding is a very important thing to have in a fraternity. I am not exactly sure why, but it DEFINITELY is. It builds unity, or morale, or character, or something. If you aren’t branded at some point during pledging, you’re a pussy. What screams “brotherhood” louder than some guy you barely know permanently scarring you while you scream in pain? Nothing. Except maybe some guy you barely know jerking you off in my fraternity house’s basement. I’m really good at what I do.
[via 7 News]