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Apparently at SUNY Albany you have to be hazed just to be a GDI. I’d probably just as soon not attend SUNY Albany.
“When officers actually got out of their cars, they could hear people screaming ‘please stop, please stop,’ and the words ‘beg for mercy’,” said Albany Police Spokesman Steve Smith after officers were called to 470 Hudson Avenue early Friday morning for a noise complaint.
The police got a noise complaint? What was the specific complaint?
“Umm hi, 9-1-1? I think some people are being slowly murdered next door. Can you send over an officer and tell my neighbors to stop torturing so loud? I have a 9am tomorrow.”
What the police ended up finding wasn’t a brotherhood building event since, you know, it wasn’t an actual fraternity. Instead they found some sort of Saw/Guantanamo Bay-esque informal ritual.
When they went inside to investigate, Smith said, “They went into the basement of the house and located 14 SUNY Albany students lying face down on the floor of the basement. They were being hit with paddles, as well as rubber hoses. Their faces were submerged in water.”
Listen, I know this wasn’t a fraternity, and as such these guidos had no hope of grasping this anyway, but I’ll say this regardless; it’s one thing to treat pledges like the walking mistakes that they are, but try not to confuse hazing with an Eli Roth movie. For example, when a pledge is standing, bent over, and you hit him with a paddle, that’s paddling. When a pledge is lying on the ground, face down in water, and you hit him with a paddle, that’s a 19th Century prison beating.
Smith said the water was about two to three inches deep and the floor was covered in mud and debris. He said the students appeared to be potential pledges for some sort of unsanctioned group, club or fraternity.
This cannot be stressed enough: It wasn’t even a real fraternity. God those kids are morons, and for that I almost feel like they deserved what they got, which was to be treated like an undocumented Thai hooker cast in a snuff film against her will. They let a bunch of geeds haze them, or rather, treat them like they were Pulp Fiction gimps, all so that they could be in a thirty person party club. Reevaluate your life choices, kids.
“It’s a frat house as far as I know, I mean there’s always stuff going on over there. You always hear yelling, screaming, partying,” said UAlbany student Jazmine Delgado. Delgado lives next door to the house and said she wasn’t shocked to hear of hazing happening there.
Delgado added, “No I really am not shocked at all to hear of the hazing happening there, mostly because of all the hazing I literally heard happening over there. At least now I know it’s hazing, and not a party like I had originally thought. Although in retrospect I haven’t been to too many parties where people were shouting ‘NO! NOT THE WEED WACKER! NOT IN MY ASS! PLEASE GOD NO!’ So I guess it should have been obvious.”
“They’ve all been run through the SUNY Albany roster,” said Steve Smith. “The seven arrested (for hazing) as well as the 14 victims are not members of any fraternity that’s affiliated with SUNY Albany.”
Great, it’s NOT a fraternity, then let’s stop calling this a “frat house” and start calling it what it really is, a group of try hard GDIs who like physically abusing freshman and don’t want to pay fraternity dues. Sorry guys, looks like you’re going to have to get your weird, pain loving boners elsewhere. What’s that? You’re in jail? Well then you shouldn’t have any problems.
Turns out the initial reports were wrong, the hazing incident DID involve a fraternity, Sigma Alpha Mu, though the fraternity is not currently recognized by the school. With that in mind I’m just going to go ahead and keep considering them geeds.
Officers were called to the house to investigate a loud disturbance and found a total of 14 individuals in the basement being subjected to what appeared to be an initiation for the fraternity Sigma Alpha Mu (SAM), according to a source at the university who chooses to remain anonymous due to proximity to those arrested.
Way to go assholes. This story is no longer as hilarious. It’s still kind of funny, if only because you all look like you’re on a TLC reality show entitled “Real Blunt Force Head Trauma Victims of New Jersey.”
[h/t to reader In God We Trust]