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Polo’s U.S. Olympic Opening Ceremony Outfits Revealed, Not Great

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The United States Olympic Team revealed their opening ceremony outfits, designed by Ralph Lauren, on the Today Show this morning. Suffice it to say there are a couple questionable fashion choices.

I’m not going to sit here and claim to be a fashion expert, because the khaki shorts that I haven’t washed in a month and am currently wearing make it very clear that I’m not. That said I do know a few things, starting with the long held tenet that berets are for thin mustached, existentialist Frenchmen who write terrible poetry and smoke their cigarettes out of a long cigarette holder like a barely male version of Cruella de Vil. Berets are not for Americans, let alone elite American athletes. In fact the only way an American can get away with wearing a beret is if he’s so unfathomably badass that he can make his effeminate headgear irrelevant. I’m of course referring to U.S. Special Forces like the Green Berets. Those guys could have a strap on dildo as their official hat and they’d still be more of a man than you or I.

Also, what if the NBA stars decide they like the berets? I don’t need to see Russell Westbrook, Kevin Durant, Chris Paul, etc. rocking some flaccid head pancake with a Mary Tyler Moore print on it during postgame interviews next season. American athletes don’t wear French hats. French athletes wear American hats, and by hats I mean scrotums.

Seriously that was the greatest sack dragging dunk of all time. U-S-A.

The beret is an awful, head scratching addition to this outfit. Everyone in this Today Show video claims to love the beret, but the idiots doth protest too much, methinks.

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Overall the rest of the outfit looks pretty great. The tie is cool and I like the white pants, but the blazer is a little off. The giant Polo horse is a bit much. I understand that Ralph Lauren wants their brand to be visible, but in the real world the giant Polo horse is the symbol for “HEY LOOK AT ME! YOU GUYS! LOOK! I BOUGHT POLO! THIS SHIRT WAS EXPENSIVE AND I BOUGHT IT! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT! I SWEAR I HAVE EXPENSIVE TASTES, WHY ELSE WOULD I BE WEARING POLO?!”

I’d say overall the U.S. opening ceremony outfit is about 80% cool, 20% stupid, which is right in line with Polo’s overall clothes making track record. Either way, it’ll look great with a bunch of gold medals hanging over it.

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