Columns

Portrait of the 2012 Republican Candidates

 

Nothing is as frat as the Republican Party. When it comes to alcohol and adultery, the GOP has more Nice Moves than any organization in history. However, when it comes to picking candidates to take down the Kenyan menace, they just can’t seem to get their shit together.

Mitt Romney

The biggest whore in the GOP. He should be wearing a NASCAR jacket with the logos of all of his corporate sponsors. As President, Mitt Romney will fulfill his destiny as a sock puppet and ensure that everything goes according to the Illuminati’s plan. Don’t think about it. Everything is under control. Vote for Romney, shut up, buy stuff, and go about your business.

 

Newt Gingrich

Emperor Palpatine. He’s intelligent, articulate, crafty, and inherently evil. He will rebuild the Imperial economy and rid the world of rebel scum. He divorced his second wife, who had cancer, to marry a dumb bimbo that worked for his company. TFM. Don’t be fooled by his Jedi Mind Tricks. As President, Next Gingrich would immediately begin construction of the death star.

 

Rick Santorum

Spends more money on his spray tans than he does on his candidacy. Rick Santorum is just happy to be on TV. He polled well in Iowa, mainly because there is nothing in Iowa except for corn. I actually know nothing about Iowa, but I can guarantee that it sucks. As President, Rick Santorum would be entirely irrelevant.

 

Ron Paul

This ranting, raving, crazy old geezer only cares about the constitution, which is some ancient document written on papyrus that none of the other candidates seem to know about. Ron Paul is the only candidate who, as a young boy, was present for the ratification of the constitution. As President, Ron Paul would end the Federal Reserve, phase out the income tax, repeal the Patriot Act, and immediately get assassinated.

 

Herman Cain

The obvious dark knight cliché, championed by old white people who hate Obama. He got caught with his hand in the cookie jar and backed out because he’s a bitch. He doesn’t seem to understand that America loves sexual harassment in the work place almost as much as adultery. Bill Clinton is one of the more popular modern Presidents because he understood that blowjobs are better than no jobs. Herman Cain should have embraced his whoredom. Instead, he faded away into sexual mediocrity and shame. Stephen Colbert assumed Cain’s identity in South Carolina.

 

Steven Colbert

As President, Stephen Colbert would add his face to Mount Rushmore and criminalize all birds other than the American Eagle. If Stephen was President, at least we would get his own special brand of truthiness every night, which is almost as funny as watching Fox News. Stephen understands that as Americans, we get our news from the comedy channel and our comedy from the news channel. If he is elected, America would officially become the sketch comedy show that the rest of the world already knows it as. In reality Stephen Colbert will only take away votes from Ron Paul, because if you enjoy watching Comedy Central, you probably support Ron Paul.

 

Rick Perry

Stephen Colbert has a better chance of becoming Emperor of the World than Perry had of becoming President before he resigned after unintentionally revealing to the country that he is, in fact, mentally disabled.

The GOP is like a special needs class. You could not pick a more laughable group of monkeys. Despite their hilarity and obvious lack of substance, any one of these clowns would be better than Obama. Obama is NF. Even Bachmann, who I didn’t mention because women don’t count, would make a better President. At least the Republican Party sacked up and disowned Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin is the biggest LOL of the 21st century. She is the cultural equivalent of hurricane Katrina. The Republican Party needs to put down the crack pipe and find a real candidate who can win a fake election. Running for President in 2012 is like running in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you’re still retarded.

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RageTheory

RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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