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Potentially Coked-Out Zoologist Explains Who Would Win NCAA Tourney If Teams Were Their Mascots

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Ron Magill, an American wildlife expert from Zoo Miami, recently went on ESPN to give his thoughts on who would win a few select NCAA tournament matchups, as well as which school has the best odds of winning the tourney, if, instead of basketball squads, teams were their animal mascots. Magill also, from the looks of it, may be on a potentially disastrous dosage of high quality stimulants.

I don’t want whatever Magill’s on, I need it. Deer antler spray? Hedgehog semen? Manatee blood? Whatever it is, daddy’s gotta mainline it, pronto.

This guy needs his own show. Sure, his expertise is really only valuable in situations like this (even though calling this piece of journalism “valuable” is a stretch in and of itself), but his energy and pizzazz are exactly what ESPN needs in these trying times. Forget Stephen A. and Skip incoherently yelling at each other; I want Ronny Mags sweating bullets while breaking down last weekend’s Bengals-Lions game.

Also, I very much agree with Ronny’s thoughts on the Badgers, both because I’m a University of Wisconsin alum, and because the phrases he used to describe our mascot (“It’s this little package of dynamite,” “Don’t be fooled by the size”) are the very same ones I use to describe my penis. That’s how you know I’m a true Badger.

[via ESPN]

Image via ESPN

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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