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Power Moves Only: USA Just Served FIFA A Can Of American Whoop Ass

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Goddamn son, it’s good to be an American. Even when we’re dealing with a “sport” no one this side of the pond gives two Michael Bradley-sized shits about, the good ‘ol USA isn’t afraid to swoop into foreign jurisdictions and have some soccer fanboys extradited on corruption charges. As the old adage goes, if you can’t beat ’em, throw their no-good, corrupt commie asses in jail.

From Deadspin:

According to reports in both the Wall Street Journal ($) and New York Times, a number of FIFA officials were just arrested in Zurich, Switzerland, and according to the Times are expected to be extradited to the United States where they will face charges of “wire fraud, racketeering and money laundering.” The Times reports that the arrests are being made by Swiss authorities “at the request of the United States Justice Department.”

…[T]hose arrested are suspected of accepting over $100 million in bribes, and in return gave away various rights associated with soccer tournaments in Latin America.

This is a day that’s been long coming for soccer’s governing body, the Federation Internationale de Football Association — otherwise known as NAMBLA — an organization SO corrupt that when Adrian Peterson refers to college football players as modern day slaves, the NCAA can rebut by simply holding up a picture of the 2022 Qatari World Cup and pointing to ACTUAL SLAVES being used to construct the desert stadiums.

In other breaking news, evidently FIFA is not just a popular video game to be played at 3 a.m. in fraternity houses over a handle of cheap vodka.

You better believe I’m cranking up the “Team America: World Police” theme right now to celebrate us once again saving the motherfucking day, you guys. This is a nice little reminder to all the Euros and South Americans out there mocking America for its supposed lack of World Cup victories of who’s REALLY calling the shots on the pitch. After all, who better than appointed American bureaucrats to clean up the corruption of governing bodies? It’d be like if the MLB hired Barry Bonds to bring down the steroid industry. Corruption is WHAT WE DO.

Asserting dominance over foreign tyrants. Love it. This is like ’76 all over again.

I believe!
I believe that!
I believe that we!
I believe that we will have the heads of a sport we suck at extradited for corruption!
I believe that we will have the heads of a sport we suck at extradited for corruption!
I believe that we will have the heads of a sport we suck at extradited for corruption!

[via Deadspin]

Image via Shutterstock

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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