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Power Ranking Birth Control Methods

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9. Condoms

Boning with a rubber is eating a popsicle but only licking the juice that drips down the wooden handle. It’s getting a back massage while wearing chain link armor or taking a shower in a full hazmat getup. It’s setting a new bench press max on the smith machine or being the school that wins the NIT. If you’re into leaving the encounter with either a dry, disappointed, strangled half-chub or the dick sensation equivalent to shitting yourself in a wetsuit, condoms are for you.

8. Abstinence

The long con. Convince everyone that it’s your own choice and not the fact that you have zero game, and women will be clamoring to be the first to crack your unsullied stick. You’ll have your pick of the litter, all the power in future relationships, gain superhuman strength with that built-up testosterone, and be disease and baby free. Playing the religion card is a must. Anyone that rips on your faith just comes across as an intolerant asshat.

7. The pill

You’re tired? Yeah, me too. But like if you wanted to maybe…no? Got it. Must have been exhausting going through all my text messages and snapchats again. Do I think you put on some weight? Of course I’m not going to tell you the truth. Those tits are in peak form, though.

6. Anything she puts inside herself

It’s gross enough seeing a girl leave out her retainer to collect bacteria on the bathroom sink, let alone her vag ring. Nothing quite like continually poking a hepatitis ridden piece of plastic.

You’re just going to pop that right back in, huh? Right before we have sex? Not even going to wash it off? There’s a piece of chewed up gum and some dog hair on the side. There you go. Well, you got most of it.

5. Pulling out

You’ll never feel more alive than porking some ass more infected than a 17th century newborn Native American infant wrapped in a conquistador’s recently gifted measles blanket, being a tad too slow on the withdraw, and spending the next four weeks sweating out the inconsistencies of her cycle.

4. Plan B

There’s not a classier move in the book than going halvesies on the day-after pill. It says, “yeah I done fucked up, but I’m owning 50 percent of something that was 100 percent my fault.” Not only will you look like an upstanding gentleman, but she probably has no intentions of ever talking to you again. Two birds.

3. Low T

Society has deemed weak swimmers to be a reflection of a feeble manhood. In reality, we’re just jealous you were given a sex cheat code.

2. Shop-vac or plunger

Same concept as sucking out the poison after a snake bite. Shop-vac is going to be the more effective option, but the plunger can still get the job done for all you old-school do-it-yourselfers.

1. An alias

If you never give her your real name, then you can never be held responsible for any unplanned pregnancy. They can’t collect child support from someone they can’t find. Not to mention, she didn’t have your kid, she had Randy Magnum’s fuck trophy. Her hands are tied. There’s no legal recourse she can take against a fictional character. So finish inside her — carefree.

Image via Shutterstock

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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