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Power Ranking The Things You Probably Steal From Your Roommate

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dorm room roommate theft

Being “college kid” broke is the worst kind of broke. When you’re broke for any other reason, people will most likely pity you and give you handouts. Not if you’re college broke, though. If you tell people you’re a penniless college kid, they turn away and act like you deserve poverty for trying to get a four-year degree. Look, I don’t need a big handout, just enough so I’m not eating Ramen noodles for the 78th day in a row. Better yet, instead of calling it a “handout,” call it a “donation” — then it’s tax deductible.

Desperately broke times call for desperately broke measures. As some old friends and I reconvened for Thanksgiving over some surprisingly still going on dollar margaritas at Applebee’s, we somehow got on the subject of shit we’ve stolen from our roommates. Some thefts were undoubtedly justified, while others put the “petty” in petty theft. Here it is, the power rankings of things you can steal from your roommate.

Honorable Mention: A Chick

Yes, I once stole a girl from my roommate, and at one time he took a chick from me. Thankfully for both of us, neither one was an ex-girlfriend or anything serious; just a hookup that was borderline meaningless. It was a genuine case of “bros before hoes,” because if I didn’t like my roommate so much I most likely would have been so pissed that I beat the shit out of him.

#5 Cologne

There is a very particular story behind this one. During junior year, one of my friends was as boujee as they come. He was so obnoxiously boujee, he bragged about the luxury cologne collection he kept in his closet to the point he called himself “the cologne wizard.” You ever have a bartender or a waitress know you by name? This kid had the ladies at the perfume counter remember both his name and credit card number. All jokes aside, his cologne collection was probably worth more than my car.

One morning we’re minding our own business and we hear him get mad out of nowhere. He walks over to us, face red as a Fireball shot, screaming, “WHO USED MY BOND #9 COLOGNE?!” Now I had no idea what he was talking about, but apparently one of our other roommates had been stealing that expensive cologne to impress a girl in his class. Look, I understand the pursuit (which is why cologne ranked #5), but if you want to impress a chick, doing it through smell may not be the most effective method. That cute girl you’re trying to wow is probably more interested in her laptop or not trying to throw up in class after drinking too much at the mixer last night to care about your stench (and that’s if she even shows up).

#4 Toilet Paper

This one is very common and entirely justified. If you disagree, think of all the scenarios in which you could steal toilet paper but don’t and all the possible consequences of and alternatives to not doing so. Pretty self-explanatory. I don’t care how high quality your luxury tooshie wipes are; if I need to wipe my ass, I’m stealing them.

#3 Money

At one point or another everyone’s been pinched for money, but this is an absolute “fuck no.” Stealing things from your roommate toes a fine line between being friend and foe. Steal some snacks or clothes or something? We’ve all been there, done that. Fuck, I’ve probably stolen that very same shit from my roommates plenty of times over. Money is different, though. Not only is it hard to come by, but it’s also something you have to earn. Asking to borrow a little extra cash is one thing, but stealing it makes you a grade A douche.

#2 Clothes

Stealing clothes from a roommate is something that mostly affects women, but guys can feel the plight too. Very rarely have I ever looked at one of my friends and thought that basketball jersey and those Jordans looks dope together; I’m gonna steal them, but sometimes situations where you have to borrow clothes from your roomie come up. Maybe you forgot dress clothes at home and need to acquire a suit jacket. Maybe those jorts your roommate has from the Daytona 500 would look great on you at the redneck mixer. Doesn’t matter what you borrow; just give it back (preferably washed).

And if you want to stop being such a broke boi who steals his roommate’s Patagonia, Vineyard Vines, Columbia, Sperry, and other awesome shit you wish you had, hit up Man Outfitters‘ Cyber Monday sale right now before it’s too late for 25% off all those brands and more. Yes, you read that right. Best deal around.

#1 Condoms

Another specific story behind this one. One day, I’m walking out of class when I see my roommates then-girlfriend calling me. It was kind of odd she was calling me, but hey, we were friends, so I answered. What did she want?

“Hey, do you have any condoms or other birth control we could borrow?”

After I recovered from the shock that they were engaging in premarital sex (OH, THE HORROR), I told her where she could find one of my condoms to borrow. I guess “borrow” isn’t the right word here because there’s no fucking chance I wanted it back, but yeah. And while I never got compensated for giving them a rubber from my freshman year first-semester long-term condom supply (a 3-pack of Trojans), it was worth it for my boy not to have a mini-me running around.

Still to this day, though, I’m a little worried that she asked me for “other contraception.” Like what the actual fuck else did she expect me to have?

Regardless, when it comes to needing condoms, don’t be afraid to ask and don’t be too stingy to give.

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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