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Recently, Democratic Rep. Anthony Weiner has been in hot water for sending lewd photos of his wedding tackle to women online. You know you’re bored when you start TwitPic-ing dick pics to strangers on Twitter. You know you’re mentally incompetent when you’re a Democratic Congressman, your last name is Weiner, and you’re TwitPic-ing wiener pics to strangers on Twitter. All things considered, this gives us a chance to discuss some serious issues that need to be addressed. All too often, high-powered American men are being brought down by the pursuit of pleasure via technology. When used correctly, computers, cell phones, and HD handheld cameras can be our friends. When used incorrectly, they can end political careers, marriages, and bring shame and dishonor to your family name.
Sexting, and Similar Activities
Obviously, if you have a girlfriend, you need to delete your text messages pretty regularly. Especially if some other slam is sexting that she wants you to come over and make her scream “Daddy” while you play slap-the-bag with her ass. If you don’t have a girlfriend, then you need to save those messages and show all of your friends how classy Sratty Cathy really is.
Likewise, Facebook chat can be utilized in 21st Century macking, but be aware that sometimes there is a glitch in the matrix. It’s possible that while some hometown ex-girlfriend is rambling about how she can’t wait for you to come visit and lube-up her chest for a melon ride, your current sorostitute is somehow also signed into your account and watching it all go down, resulting in her getting extremely angry and refusing to make you a turkey club for a week. If you’ve graduated to Google Chat, take a few deep breaths and restrain yourself before you G chat the office receptionist some creepy shit. Don’t be that guy.
Personally, I’ve violated all of these rules and dealt with the consequences, and I will continue to violate them on the reg because safe living is for pussies. Just remember, shit can go wrong, and if it does: admit nothing, deny everything, launch counter-attack. Look at what happened to Tiger. His Swedish slam got a hold of his phone, went through his texts, and the next thing he knows he’s being chased out of his multi-million dollar house with a nine-iron.
The general rule is DO NOT leave drunk voicemails. You’re going to say some idiotic shit and become fodder for the sorority gossip grapevine in kitchens across campus. Sometimes you think something is a good idea, and then you wake up with a moral hangover and a vague remembrance of singing “Tiny Dancer” into some girl’s voicemail. Now you’ve created permanent entertainment that she can play for her sisters whenever they need a moral pick-me-up after making a walk of shame in front of a rival sorority’s Mother-Daughter brunch.
Here’s an example of a drunken voicemail Power left us at the TFM office after we attempted to contact him when his infamous video disappeared off YouTube:
Dick Pics, Rod Shots, Etc.
The age-old debate continues: what’s the frattest way to send someone a picture of your downstairs mix-up? I’m gonna have to go with the fax machine. Anyone can just snap a quick pic of their dick with a cellphone while taking a beer shit. Hell, Favre did it. In all seriousness, that lapse in judgment is probably going to come back to haunt you. Everyone knows sorosties are crazy, and if you blackout and send your lady friend a picture of your little friend, eventually you’ll break up and she’ll email those photos to your family…then Thanksgiving at the ranch gets weird.
Sex Tapes and Cell Phone Porn
Make as many as possible. Just be sure to make backup copies.