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Proverbs For The Fraternity Man

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College can be a trying time, with enough moral debacles to make a team of Franciscan monks say, “Fuck this shit, I’m going to the bar.” Day to day, we have nothing more than our parents’ advice and our own twisted consciences to rely on for decision-making. Perhaps these fraternity proverbs will save your blacked-out self from the gutter you pass out in after dollar pitchers at the bar.

“A little learning is a dangerous thing.”

…so sleep through your 8:00am class. Risk managed.

“A poor pledge always blames his tools.”

What do you mean you can’t clean the sink with a tooth brush that has been made into a shank and has a single bristle left? Bows and toes until I’m tired, pledge.

“Boys will be boys.”

Our debauchery is forgiven by a single off-hand comment. We’re just living up to our nature, like tornadoes of poor decisions. You have no choice but to let nature take its course.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds your house.”

Barging into the chef’s room at 3:00am demanding a grilled cheese is the right way to get him to piss in Tuesday’s crab bisque.

“Don’t cast your pearls before swine.”

No fat chicks.

“Don’t teach your parents or grandma to play beer pong.”

Family gatherings back home get weird when they start off with a family 1-on-1 21 cup tournament.

“Finders keepers, losers weepers.”

That pizza you passed out cuddling with last night? Some drunk asshole ate it. Too bad. You did the same thing to someone else last weekend.

“Hope springs eternal.”

…but not during Hell Week.

“In the kingdom of alcoholics, the least drunk asshole is king.”

We call him “the President.”

“There’s honor among Greeks.”

We may not always like each other, but we all have to stick together.

“People in frat houses should not throw fireworks.”

…because the neighbors will call the police and suddenly you’re defending the Alamo.

“Don’t burn your bridges behind you.”

You never know when that sorority, at whose date function you blacked out, threw up and pissed yourself, will get a really attractive pledge class. Try not to fuck it up.

“Every man for himself, and the Devil take the sober monitor.”

Sorry man, it’s your turn to spend the night in jail for facilitating a party that required two SWAT vans and a helicopter support unit to break up.

“Familiarity breeds contempt.”

We’re all brothers here. Just like real brothers, we’ll all want to kill each other at some point.

“If you lie down with sluts, you will get up with STDs.”

Be careful who you fuck. HIV and Herpes don’t go away. This one goes both ways. Don’t be that guy responsible for The Great Chlamydia Outbreak of 2013.

“Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die.”

It’s like YOLO, but classier and it doesn’t make me want to punch people in the face. We only get four years of this life (5 if you’re lucky), so enjoy it while you can.


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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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