1. Did you plagiarize your articles like Melania Trump?
I spent days writing what I thought was one of my best pieces last week, only to have Dorn tell me “This is just Mein Kampf, word for word.” It was an honest mistake.
2. How many bowls of cereal can you eat in one sitting?
A few bowls. If that Oreo cereal still existed, I would be eating boxes and boxes of that stuff until the ghost of Wilford Brimley came to tell me my time was up in this world.
3. Would you rather get an OTPHJ or a toothy blowjob?
Definitely going with the OTPHJ here, if only because it reminds me of Wedding Crashers. When she brushes her hand on my jeans, I think of Vince Vaughn and smile. Also, I don’t want my dick bit.
4. Do you have big plans for your last week at TFM?
The dudes are def going to throw me a surprise party at some point, but they’ve been very good at disguising their intentions so far. In fact, no one at the office has talked to me all week. These guys are sneaky.
5. What is your biggest weakness?
My bladder. Jared makes fun of me for this all the time, and I get so sad that I pee, and that just makes it worse. Fuck you, Jared.
6. Where do you see yourself in five years?
I’ll be running this company within two years, and by the end of five I’ll have made it the most profitable company in America, started a rocket car division, and will be in talks to sell it to Elon Musk, who will be my best friend by this time.
7. What is your advice for whiskey dick?
If you even think there’s a chance you’ll be pushing rope, don’t bother trying. The girl will think you’re a nice guy because you aren’t immediately trying to bang, and you can play mind games with her for years. It’s a win-win.
8. If the only alcohol you could drink for the rest of your life was Everclear, what would you do?
I would just get my sense of smell and gag reflex surgically removed, if that’s possible. I would also seek out craft Everclear on the one in a million chance such a thing exists.
9. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done while drunk?
Lately, I keep getting very stubborn and walking home from the bars when I’m drunk instead of getting a ride. Just this past weekend, I walked home nearly three miles despite numerous cheap ride-sharing apps being available. This kind of stubbornness is probably going to carry over into when I’m a father and won’t ask for directions when I take my family on road trips. Hopefully I won’t be nearly as drunk for those.
10. What kind of cereal should I get?
The second cereal-related question! My number one is always going to be Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but you should also think about picking up Golden Grahams, Frosted Flakes, Lucky Charms, and good old Special K. There are cereals out there that keep your heart healthy, and you should never buy them..