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1. Why do they call it Hamburger Helper when it does fine on its own?
That’s disgusting, man. You can’t even cook up a pound of beef to do a $2 package of flavoring justice? Come on now.
2. Marry Ellie Goulding or bang Anna Kendrick?
Both goddesses in my book, but I’ll have to choose the one evening with Anna. Goulding would always be out on tour, and she makes her money in British pounds. Those are of no use to me, as I don’t need a million crumpets.
3. What is the key to world peace?
There was one gorilla that knew what it was, and we shot him.
4. Who is your best friend at TFM?
It’s definitely Jared. He seemed annoyed with me at first, but he’s really warmed up to me in the last few weeks. It might just be because I’ve been taking him to expensive dinner dates, but sometimes that’s what you have to do for someone with his refined tastes.
5. If you could tell Donald Trump one thing, what would it be?
I would tell him to cool the jets on the whole thing about making America great again, because it’s already great enough. He would see the national treasure standing before him and hopefully buy me a new bike or something, like a racist Santa Clause.
6. Hey Wes, you fucking shitstain, how do I gain more confidence to approach women?
You need to let them know what you’re dealing with right away, and take pills that will ensure you’re displaying a bulge in the old jeans every second of the day. If your bulge isn’t very impressive (unlike mine), I recommend taping something down there like a banana, plantain, or cucumber. Just be careful, because you could sit down the wrong way and have the fruit burrow into your anus.
7. Are the same?
8. Would you rather have a scrotum that fills with popcorn upon getting aroused, or make a sound like a foghorn upon reaching orgasm?
As nice as it would be to cook a delicious snack in my scrote on command, I would go for the foghorn sound. My current orgasm noise sounds like the horn of a Smart Car is having an allergic reaction to a tampon, but somehow more feminine.
9. What have you learned while working at TFM this summer?
I learned that the best way to deal with hateful commenters is to take the high road…straight to their homes and kick some ass. They will learn to fear me one day.
10. Would you rather watch both Human Centipede movies or Two Girls One Cup?
Director’s cut of Human Centipede. 2G1C just doesn’t do it for me anymore, and I feel like it’s starting to become that lame, uncool porn that your uncle shows you when you turn 13. Hit up the comment section with all the weird things your uncle did to you 😉
11. What ended up being your favorite bar in Austin?
Barbarella. It technically is a bar, but it’s better to describe it as a cesspool of all the lost joys that people hoped the night would entail. They also have free drinks all the time, which you can get by waiting for people to pass out and sipping up the rest of their warm Gin and Tonic.
12. Hey baby, I 5 mile away from your location and am want to fuck. I give you how you like it daddy.
Do you take Venmo or Square?
13. No baby, only credit card.
Sheeeit, Jared dared me to put my card through the office shredder last week. Come on. I’ll mail you the cash.
14. Sorry daddy, credit card only.
You fucking WENCH! You’ve just lost a paying customer..