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Ranking The 50 States Based On Their Shapes

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The United States is one nation under God, but God shines down upon some states a little more brightly than he does others. Here’s my ranking of every united state based entirely upon their respective shapes.

  • 50. Rhode Island – If your name is “Rhode Island,” you better be an actual fucking island. Also, while having a small penis is frat, being a small shape? NF.
  • 49. Hawaii – Hawaii, a chain of actual islands, beats out Lyin’ Rhode Island even though its shape is reminiscent of what a rabbit with a severe case of diarrhea would leave in its wake. Really says a lot about Rhode Island.
  • 48. Alaska – It’s the biggest shape, which is literally the only reason why it didn’t come in last place. Look at it, though. It’s a mess. It looks like someone stepped in an aborted fetus that a Planned Parenthood employee attempted to throw into the dumpster behind their office building but missed (that’s what they do with the bodies, wake up sheeple!), and then tracked the amorphous gloop onto a throw rug while wearing those disgusting-ass toe shoes. It’s hideous.
  • 47. Massachusetts – It looks like a smaller, backwards version of Alaska, but without all that disgusting shit going on in Alaska’s southeast.
  • 46. Michigan – Any state that has multiple non-island shapes is not a state of which I am a fan. Ergo, Michigan’s UP makes me want to punch a cactus and then use my spine-riddled hand to fist my own asshole.
  • 45. Virginia – Virginia tries to sneak by and act like it’s not a multi-shape state. Fuck outta here. We see that little dingleberry you Thomas Jefferson-blowing bastards shit out onto the asshole hair that is Maryland. Which brings me to…
  • 44. Maryland – You might as well be a multi-part state. There are two parts of that flimsy little bitch where it gets so skinny that there might as well be no Maryland there at all. Just an absolute eyesore.
  • 43. Idaho – The whole state is literally one huge L.
  • 42. Louisiana – A smaller L.
  • 41. New York – Secretly an L.
  • 40. Delaware – Too small.
  • 39. Connecticut – Still too small.
  • 38. New Jersey – Slightly too small.
  • 37. West Virginia – I don’t know what the deal is with that little horn on West Virginia’s head or what’s up with that fucked-up arm looking thing, but, if nothing else, the state’s shape does a good job of representing the product-of-incest children that inhabit the state.

Fuck all the rest of the coastal states with their stupid little islands. If your state’s shape is impossible to draw, you are immediately worse than the easy-to-draw states. So here those shitholes are, from smallest to largest, with the exception of New Hampshire.

  • 36. South Carolina
  • 35. Maine
  • 34. Mississippi
  • 33. Alabama
  • 32. North Carolina
  • 31. Georgia
  • 30. Florida
  • 29. Washington
  • 28. Oregon
  • 27. California
  • 26. Texas
  • 25. New Hampshire – Sure, it might be one of those annoying coastal states, but its shape makes it fit like a puzzle against Vermont so that it looks like the two states are engaging in standing 69. Nice.
  • 24. Nevada – It looks like a can opener, which is what poor people use to open their government-handout rations. No thanks.

I’m not a fan of the Mississippi River and all the squiggles it causes (they’re hard as shit to draw), so all those affected states can fuck right off (from smallest to largest).

  • 23. Kentucky
  • 22. Tennessee
  • 21. Arkansas
  • 20. Iowa
  • 19. Illinois
  • 18. Wisconsin
  • 17. Missouri
  • 16. Minnesota

As for the rest of the states, I stand by my assertion that squiggles fucking suck because they make states harder to draw. So here are the top 15 best-shaped states, ranked from squiggliest to least squiggly (with the exception of Vermont, which earned its 8 spot by being landlocked and being constantly sucked off by New Hampshire ever since 1791).

  • 15. Ohio
  • 14. Montana
  • 13. Oklahoma
  • 12. Indiana
  • 11. Pennsylvania
  • 10. Nebraska
  • 9. Arizona
  • 8. Vermont
  • 7. South Dakota
  • 6. Kansas
  • 5. North Dakota
  • 4. New Mexico
  • 3. Utah
  • 2. Colorado
  • 1. Wyoming – It’s hip to be square.

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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