Look, I don’t want to put anyone into a box. Everyone is a unique and beautiful butterfly ready to spread their wings and fly to individuality island. Yet, you meet people in college and they seemingly fall into one of a few dozen categories. It’s the strangest thing. Like everything we’re taught about being special and different growing up was a lie. It can’t be. Right? Let’s try typecasting the first thing that comes to mind and see if there’s any credence in this revelation. Alright. Here we go. Women. Fuck. Uh, this should go well. Can’t back down now. And to make this even more female friendly, let’s give each group a rating, too. They’ll surely see no issues with that.
The Stoner Girl
There is no greater feeling than finding a chick who will smoke you out on the reg. More importantly, girls that smoke weed fuck better. I don’t have the statistics to back this up on me, but it’s just scientific fact. Let’s chalk it up to her being “more in tune with her body” or “a free spirit” or some shit.
Characteristics include: Knowing where to get the best bud, having a downass personality, and psychedelic wall length tapestry hanging in her room to create “good vibes.” They don’t add much sober, but, with the right bud, you might lose your soul staring into one of those bad boys for hours.
Rating: The only problem with this type of girl is their hippy tendencies leave them lacking in the cleanliness department. Weed-heads usually have that real tangly, ratchet hair which generally correlates to less frequent showering. Different strokes for different folks but it’s a knock for me. 7.9.
The “My Parents Told Me This So Now It’s Fact” Girl
For too long, these girls have been allotted the opportunity to skate under the radar. Typically, they’re going to fall into the role of stereotypically stuck up white girl. Anything daddy says is fact, especially about those damn pussy liberals. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for hating on other peoples’ politics, but do it based on your own novice comprehension of our government, and not your father’s.
Characteristics include: Owning MAGA garb that they will wear to day drink while simultaneously not knowing the name of our Vice President.
Educated Person: “Hey Brittany, do we live in a red or blue state?”
Brittany: “Make American Great Again, Bitches.”
Rating: This one messes with my brain because these girls are typically pretty attractive, but their personalities are atrocious. 6.3.
The Low Self Esteem Girl
This is the one that in theory should be way out of your league. But lucky for you, she hasn’t always been this hot. You see, her flower was a bit delayed in the blooming process, and while that may have forced her to develop the kick-ass personality she now encompasses, it was also tough on the psyche. Middle school children are terrible, and their torment wiped away any chance this girl had at some fucking confidence.
Characteristics include: Constantly asking if she looks fat, getting mad when you interact with another woman, and posting generic quotes about how broken she is all over social media.
Rating: If you can get her off Instagram, these girls can be wifeable. You’ll get sick of constantly reassuring her she’s good enough, but better that than to have a Prius who thinks she’s a Corvette, 8.2
The Girl With Way Too Much Confidence
This is the Prius who thinks she’s a Corvette. Everyone knows the girl who all the guys chased in middle school to early high school only for her to taper off a few years later. Contrary to the previously mentioned genre, this girl peaked so early that she didn’t need to develop a personality. She was straight jailbait since developing boobs in the 7th grade. Now, she still thinks she’s the bell of the ball. Unfortunately, her inability to have some substances caused a crescendoing halt to her time at the top of the charts.
Characteristics include: Having way too much confidence on the dance floor, being the heaviest drinker of the group, and having an overall aggressive personality.
Rating: She will annoy you, but get used to it because she’s that one friend that hangs around top-notch babes, 5.4.
The Girl Who Only Has Guy Friends
If you’re the girl who thinks you’re one of the guys, you’re not. This girl lives a dangerous life. It takes some real self-awareness to successfully navigate her path. You have to realize that no matter how much you tell yourself that these guys are just friends, they will always secretly be plotting their way into your bed. Just comes with the territory.
Characteristics include: Friendzoning the fuck out of dudes, having other girls hate her, and never dating anyone because she’s “not that type of girl.”
Rating: She’s a tease, but if you can ever find a way to take her to bed, it will be gratifying. 7.1.
The Girl Who Owns The Box Set Of Every Season of Girls
Short hair, angry demeanor, you know the type.
Characteristics include: Getting outraged about things that you didn’t know were issues in the world, and blaming men for those issues.
Rating: Outside of their awful opinions, these ladies are marginally entertaining. 3.4.
The Girl Next Door
This is the scenario every family sitcom of all time delves into. She’s the neighbor chick whose parents are best buds with yours. When you were younger, there was always a little flame between the two of you but nobody acknowledged it. One innocent kiss in 8th grade started a chain reaction and now you are always lowkey hooking up when you’re home on breaks.
Characteristics include: She’s pretty but you’ve always thought she was a little bit hotter than she probably is because of your attachment to her. Similar to “office hot.” She’s your definitive best friend, doesn’t get jealous, and can be discrete af.
Rating: One day you’ll stop trying to bang out the rest of the girls on this list and realize this is the one you wife. 9.8.