As young professionals who haven’t accidentally gotten someone pregnant yet, my friends and I have decided we’re going to travel the country visiting the campuses with the best stadiums, coaches, tailgates, and of course, women. This week, our travels took us to Tallahassee.
Doak Campbell is a fine but unremarkable facility mirroring what you’d expect from an upper echelon Power 5 school. It’s basically the hand job of college football facilities — you’re going to get off, but you’ll wish she put a little more effort into it. I’m guessing the porous defense and impending departure of Jimbo Fisher had the crowd in a malaise, as I expected a raucous departure from the wine and cheese high school stadium my alma mater repeatedly loses in.
In fairness, we didn’t really care, though it was comical to watch FSU continue their slide towards mediocrity as the seemingly overmatched Tar Heels dominated the first half. The fans were generally friendly, though I assume my throwback Deion Sanders jersey acted as a sort of olive branch for my fellow “yankee” intruders. The Seminoles lost on a 54-yard field goal as time expired, incinerating a furious fourth quarter comeback that had riled up the home crowd to near SEC levels. Almost.
Coming from a group of guys that were used to pre-games rivaling “wine Wednesday” in their wildness, FSU is out of fucking control. The Instagram Babe of the Day presence cannot be overstated, as somehow this seemingly peasant filled region of northern Florida could keep the entire plastic surgery industry humming for the foreseeable future. I’m actually pretty sure a fake pair of tits comes with your acceptance letter, and nobody is complaining.
Dressed in garnet and gold, we experienced none of the good-natured ribbing our North Carolina counterparts received. In reality, compared to what I’ve seen in Baton Rouge and Columbus, Seminoles fans were extremely welcoming, even to the opposing intruders. We bounced around, visiting our chapter’s FSU version and basically migrating based on the travel habits of the impossibly attractive women that may or may not be jail bait for us.
I saw more underboob cleavage in a three-hour period than the rest of my life combined. The Seminoles are trend setters, cutting tanks and jerseys to the absolute limits of public indecency. Throw in champagne showers, slip n’ slides, and above ground pools, and you’d think you’re in an NC-17 DG recruitment video.
The heartbreaking loss, which essentially ends the Seminole season with two ACC defeats, had us concerned about a post-game hangover. Not so fast, my friend. We, as any group of gentlemen should, started with a gentlemen’s club. Naturally. I still can’t believe how the campus is blanketed with strip clubs, where shit considered illegal in my home state is just another Saturday night. I won’t mention the name as we ran into a bit of an issue there (friend of mine got a little out of control), but the women had more teeth than tattoos, so, for this region of the country especially, definitely worth a visit.
Back on campus, we ended up at a classic FSU college bar. This was apparently one of the “Greek” bars, highly recommended by the guys we met before the game, and I can clearly see why. Tell an FSU girl you work for an investment bank and she’s got a diamond on her mind, so if you can’t get ass here you might as well turn your dick in. Or get a better job, maybe both.
If there existed some semblance of industry in Tallahassee and/or the degree was worth more than a Buffalo Wild Wings complimentary appetizer coupon, I’d be on my way in a U-Haul while writing this. Shit, I’m still considering it, since the entire undergrad population seems to think my $100 wager on the over was a “crazy big” bet.
The students are extremely welcoming, even towards weird old outsiders like us. The stadium is worth a look, and for a brief moment in which Deondre Francois breathed hope into every Seminole fans’ hopes (that he is the next Jameis Winston), the atmosphere made most Big Ten and ACC games look like tennis matches.
The women are, obviously, world class. Worth the trip just on the off chance one says hello to you. Anything past that and you’ve gotten more than your money’s worth. A campus with beautiful women, high caliber football (until Jimbo leaves), great weather, and strip clubs within walking distance? If you score in the high teens on the ACT, shoot them an application. You won’t be sorry.
This Friday we are headed to Fayetteville for Alabama vs. Arkansas. Praying Brett Bielema doesn’t mistake us for food..
Image via YouTube