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READ NOW: Justin Bieber’s Full, Unbelievable Arrest Transcript Released

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The following transcript was released from by the Miami Police Department and has not been altered in any way. It begins at the moment the officer approached the suspect’s vehicle.

Officer: Sir please place the vehicle in park.

Bieber: Why did you stop me?

Officer: I saw you drag racing with a red Lamborgini back there. Sir, have you been drinking tonight?

Bieber: Yeah but mostly NyQuil so it’s coo’.

Officer: Sir it’s not legal to drive impaired, no matter what is impairing you.

Bieber: Foo’ don’t’chu think I know that! That’s why I drank tha’ damn NyQuil. It’s medicine! Medicine helps yo ass, read a science book, damn.

Officer: Sir, what exactly did you have to drink tonight?

Bieber: Grimace Drank.

Officer: What, uh, is “Grimace Drank”?

Bieber: It’s like my own turnt up version of Purple Drank. I call it Grimace Drank cuz it’s purple like dat dude on all my happy meals, an’ you gon’ make a painful face when you sip on it. It straight up tastes like a robot’s asshole. Stanky an’ metallic.

Officer: What are the contents of the cocktail, sir?

Bieber: You know just, like, two bottles’uh NyQuil, purple flavored, some Crystal, Capri Sun, an’ then some wood glue fo’ extra turntedness.

Officer: Sir, I’m going to need you to step out of the car.

Bieber: Why the fuck are you doing this!?!?

Officer: Because you just told me you drank NyQuil, champagne, and glue before drag racing your car down a busy street.

Bieber: That was the responsible thing to do!

Officer: In what way do you believe that was responsible sir?

Bieber: Because! Befo’ we left my boy Jenky Jerry was like, “Yo Jay you in Florida now, you wanna get turnt like we do then stick these bath salts up yo asshole an’ rape demons wiff me,” and I was like, “C’mon dawg I gotta drive I can’t be non-consensually bee-effin…”

Officer: Bee-effing?

Bieber: Butt fuckin’.

Officer: Of course…

Bieber: I was like, “I can’t be non-consensually bee-effin phantom gargoyles or whatever if I’m tryna race tonight. THINK DAWG! Just gimme that NyQuil, all our Crystal an anythang you usin’ to fix dat broken shelf over there and I’ll drink all that instead.” See? Responsible. Or, I’m sorry, did you want me drivin’ wiff lil’ rocks that make me wanna eat faces meltin’ in my b-hole?

Officer: I don’t want you to do either.

Bieber: Well I didn’t exactly have any other options!

Officer: You could have not drank anything. Now step out of the car.

*Bieber exits vehicle, puts hands in pockets*

Officer: Sir, take your hands out of your pockets immediately.

*Bieber continues to rustle his hands around in his pockets*

Officer: Sir! For your safety and my own remove your hands from your pockets immediately and place them on the vehicle.

Bieber: Hold up! Damn!

Officer: What are you doing? I will draw my weapon.

Bieber: Damn! Fine! If you wanna know, all dat Grimace Drank got my dick hard. Weird hard. I think it was that wood glue. It got my wood stickin’ up hahahahahahaha. I was just tryna be polite an’ tuck it in my waistband. I was taught to have mad respect fo’ officers an’ showin a boner is disrespectful so you know..

Officer: Just put your hands on the car and do not speak until spoken to!

*Bieber turns and puts his hands on the car*


Officer: You were drag racing while high on NyQuil and glue you fucking idiot! That’s why!

*Bieber turns around*

Bieber: You saw me drag racin’?

Officer: YES!

Bieber: Did I win?

Officer: I have no idea.

Bieber: Then you didn’t see shit cuz I smoked that foo’! Though Jenky Jerry wasn’t drivin’ so good. I looked over an’ he was eatin’ his own hand off the steerin’ wheel. You put bath salts up yo’ asshole an’ you ain’t gon’ win a lotta drag races though, ya feel me?

Officer: No I absolutely do not feel you, now turn back around and put your hands on the car!

*Officer gives Bieber a pat down*

Bieber: I ain’t got no fuckin’ weapons! Why do you have to search me? What the fuck is this about!?!

Officer: Sir, do you have anything in the car I should know about?

Bieber: You wanna know what’s in the car? Educational shit! My home school course work. I’m tryna learn. Look fo’ yo’self.

*Officer looks in the car*

Officer: Are you referring to the twenty Veggie Tales DVDs?

Bieber: Man what the hell else would I be talkin’ about when I describe educational material that’s appropriate for me?

Officer: Well there seems to be quite a bit of pornography in here as well. At least twice as much porn as there are Veggie Tales.

Bieber: Yeah I mean there’s a lotta stuff in there I guess.

Officer: No, it appears to be only porno and Veggie Tales DVDs.

Bieber: Whatever.

*Bieber turns around again*

Bieber: So can I go yet? I got another race in like twelve minutes an’ Imma lose my focus if I don’t get to a Walgreens an’ buy more NyQuil real quick.

Officer: Alright, I’m going to take you in. You have the right to remain silent…

*Officer grabs Bieber’s arm*

Bieber: (tearing up) WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?!

*Bieber pulls his arm away and begins to weep*

Officer: Sir, please stop resisting.

Bieber: PLEASE NO! I’ll do whatevah you want! I saw on one’uh them porno DVDs how some ho got out a ticket by suckin’ this cop’s dick.

Officer: (disturbed) Sir, what are you suggesting?

Bieber: I’ll give you that DVD! You could watch it an’ be like, “Yeah that could be me” while you beat yo’self off. Shit I’ll even give you some wood glue so you can spank it all day.

Officer: Good God. You’re under arrest. Please stop talking.

*Bieber breaks down in tears*

Bieber: Can I ask you one favor?

Officer: What?

Bieber: Would it be okay if I called up one’uh my black friends, an’ they came here an’ got arrested fo’ me instead?

Officer: I want to taze you so, so badly.

*Officer throws Bieber into his squad car*

Officer: (into radio) Boys, get ready for the best night at the station, ever.

*****Note: The above dialogue is completely fictional.*****

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