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Saturday Morning, 10:30 AM
So there I was, in some bed I didn’t recognize, with a purple teletubby costume around my ankles. If there was ever a time to think “what the hell happened to me last night?,” this was it. Hearing a running shower, I saw my opportunity to leave whoever this girl was and tip-toe sprinted out of there. As I made my way out of the building, still in full teletubby costume, I checked my phone to find some of the more interesting series of texts I had ever received:
“Man, you were pretty fucked up last night” – Big Brother
“You’re my new hero” – Lauren R. (I don’t know a Lauren R.)
“You’re such an asshole. Don’t ever talk to me again” – Slampiece.
There was one in particular, though, that alerted me.
“Where in the hell are Smith and Brooks?!?!” – About 8 or 9 of my pledge brothers.
So what the hell happened Friday Night? Let’s back up.
I was a pledge at the time. The pledge class had been building bars, props, and butt huts for a space themed rave at the frat house. My project for the week was an 8-foot tall R2D2 butt hut. For those who aren’t familiar, butt huts are the “decorations” at a party that people can slide into and slam in. My R2DTF was killer. Because it was so awesome, I was given the “honor” of being designated a character pledge for the party. There are dual meanings to character pledge. First, you have good character. Second, you have to dress up as a ridiculous character. Friday morning I receive the following: “Wilson has chosen you as a character pledge. Be at the following address at 9:00. Oh yeah, and you have to be dressed as Tinky Winky, the purple teletubby.”
Friday Night, 9:00
Tinky Winky, an astronaut, a space robot, Chewbacca, and Buzz Lightyear show up to said address. Wearing a Pete Maravich jersey, an active greets us with an enormous grin, shouting “TIME TO FORGET TONIGHT!” What proceeded was a series of blackout-inducing fraternity bonding experiences over handles of Texas Spirits bourbon and vodka.
My actions the rest of the night were told to me over the course of the next day.
The pre-game moved on to another location, closer to the house. Apparently, there was a surplus of Franzia there. Tinky Winky, apparently, has a thing for the Franz. From the pre-game to the end of the night, I was talking in third person as Tinky Winky, and demanding everyone in sight slapped the bag. “Don’t disappoint Tinky. Fuckin’ slap it.” Having a large costume, I thought it was a good idea to sneak a few bags of Franzia into the party. The following night I was told this story from a pledge brother:
“Yeah, so we ran into you at the party and you had all these Franzia bags. Must’ve been like six or seven of ‘em. You were pulling them out from every crevice of your body like you were smuggling narcotics onto an international flight. You made me and John slap it. John only lasted about 5 seconds, but when I went for about 20 you were so excited you gave me a hug.”
That seemed to be the theme of my night. Still never found out whose apartment I was at, but my night dulled in comparison to Chewbacca and Buzz. Chewbacca, aka Smith, and Buzz, aka Brooks, were still nowhere to be found around noon the next day. Eventually an email was sent out over our list serve from both of them.
Smith: “Hey guys, I’m okay. They found me outside a dorm at 3:30 AM sleeping in the bushes, spent the night in jail. Just got off the phone with University Police. My possessions were keys, a student ID, and a condom.”
Brooks: “Spent the night in the hospital in my Buzz Lightyear costume. I blew a .32 on the breathalyzer. Can you say new record? Also, does anyone know why one of my eyebrows is shaved off?”
Smith had the honor of being Chewbacca for the sole fact that he was the hairiest individual in the pledge class. On monday morning when the police reports hit the web, we found the following gem:
“Police Officer ***** discovered a student sleeping in the tall grass located beside the building. The officer stopped upon seeing that the student was wearing a large brown furry bear costume. The officer detected a very strong odor of alcohol on the student’s breath. The student’s speech was a slurred, incoherent growl. The student was not aware of where he was or how he got there. He did realize he was outside of Jellystone Park. The student was taken into custody for Public Intoxication and transported, not to a local zoo, but to Central Booking.”
He called Chewbacca a damn bear. Nevertheless, the legend of the bear grew. The number one police story of the year, winner of the “arrest story of the year” in the alumni magazine, multiple features on the local news stations, and countless facebook statuses about the sleeping bear. Smith was a good sport about the whole scenario, but was pretty bummed out nobody recognized he was Chewbacca and not just some bear.
There are still countless moments from that night that I probably will never remember. Despite the fact that this happened quite some time ago, I still frequently meet girls who tell me I made them slap the bag at this party. I apparently sent a girl to standards because she was pictured slapping the Franzia.
The greatest thing about this night, and one of the best things about being in a fraternity, is that this was just another friday night.
Follow me on Twitter @JimDuganTFM