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Almost every company goes through a rebranding phase at some point. Uber just did it, going from a sleek “U” symbol to their current logo, which looks like a combination of Pac-Man and a Mayan amulet that resides in the TRON universe. While Uber’s changes were seemingly baseless, I decided to do a very targeted rebranding of eight schools so as to more accurately reflect what student life is like at that institution. Hopefully their respective administrations consider enacting these changes.
The Florida State University Semen Holes
Current mascot: Seminoles
You know what they say about FSU girls — nothing grabs your Tomahawk faster than a Seminole. So I thought I’d cut out the BS and just get straight to the point with their new mascot: the Semen Hole. Literally just a hole for semen. A little brash, sure, but I think it captures the essence of FSU and its lax hookup culture pretty well. Of course, they’d also have to change their actual mascot’s name from Chief Osceola to “Chief Open-hole-a,” and his gallant steed’s name from Renegade to “Rene-gaping butthole.”
The University of Miami Snowstorms
Current mascot: Hurricanes
They’re in Miami, bitch, and that can only mean one thing: blow. Nose candy. Bolivian marching powder. Booger sugar. Why do you think the clubs in Miami are open 24/7? Because their patrons, many of whom are Miami students, are coked out of their minds. You’d think all that artificial energy might influence them to actually go into the stadium and support their football team, but I guess not.
The University of Colorado Boulder Buffalo Soldiers
Current mascot: Buffaloes
Those clouds you see over Boulder, Colorado come 4:20 p.m.? They don’t contain snow. Ever since the state legalized the sale of recreational marijuana, Colorado has never been the same. That’s why its university needs an updated mascot — and this was an easy one. Marijuana smoking and Bob Marley go together like alcohol and drunk crying about my whore of an ex-girlfriend Samantha: they’re peas in a pod. And what is one of Bobby M’s most popular songs? Buffalo Soldier. Like I said, this one was just too easy.
The UMass Debaters
Current mascot: Minutemen
Let’s be real here: what the hell is there to do in Amherst, Massachusetts? I’ve never been, but I can’t imagine there’s too much going on. And what is the #1 activity to engage in when you’re bored, hungry, angry… and in any occasion, really? Fapping. Spanking the monkey. The ol’ 5-inch punch — which I imagine bored-ass UMass student do a lot of. On an unrelated note, If I were a student there, they’d call me a minuteman as well as a debater, because that’s the average amount of time I last sexually.
The Oregon Duck Savers
Current mascot: Ducks
For those of you who have had the good fortune of never encountering a University of Oregon student, allow me to debrief you on how a conversation with these tree-hugging granola nerds typically goes. Within a matter of seconds, they will be sure to inform you of the fact that their dining halls offer a vegan and vegetarian alternative for each item on their menus. In just a few more seconds, they’ll move onto a spiel about how the price of tuition has gotten far too high. Unable to see any correlation between the two, they’ll be sure to top it all off with a declaration that Bernie Sanders is the anointed one with the ability to magically decrease the price of tuition while increasing menu alternatives for not only vegans and vegetarians, but also pescatarians, paleolithics, flexitarians, lactose intolerants, raw foodists, and all other dietary tribes.
The Brigham Young University Latter-Day Saints
Current mascot: Cougars
When you think BYU, you don’t think of a ravenous mountain lion. No, you think of one of two things, or a combination of the two: Jimmer Fredette and Mormons (who also refer to themselves as “Latter-Day Saints”). Why act all tough and pretend you’re a fear-inspiring cougar when in reality you’re a bunch of name tag-wearing, bicycle helmet-donning door-to-door Jesus salesmen? Don’t get me wrong, I love me some mormons, but let’s call a spade a spade. Or, in this instance, a saint a saint.
The Ole Miss Missus
Current mascot: Rebels
“Ring by spring” is not merely a concept at Ole Miss; it’s an expectation. When you accept your admission into Mississippi’s flagship university near the end of your high school career, you’re pretty much resigning yourself to only being single for no more than the next four years. Girls at Ole Miss want to get tied down, and fast. There was recently a bit of controversy when the school changed its actual mascot from Colonel Reb to a black bear, and I think having a giant ring out there on Saturdays could be a nice, apolitical compromise.
The University of Missouri Poop Swastikas
Current mascot: Tigers
It’s about time this hotbed of political correctness got the logo it deserves — one that adequately describes the dumpster fire that is the University of Missouri. At first I was trying to invent a new mascot that would succinctly capture Mizzou’s hypersensitive essence, but I soon realized that late last year, a symbol showed up on Mizzou’s campus that demonstrates how “shitty” Mizzou really is. I speak, of course, of a handful of human shit smeared in the shape of a swastika. M-I-Z!.
Illustrations by Connor Davis. Follow him on Instagram.