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RIP Rob Ford, The Drunkest, Awesomest, Crack-Smokingest Politician In Recent History

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I didn’t see this one coming. A year and a half to two years ago, former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford lit up headlines like his crack pipe. But he quietly fell into a more private life during his battle with cancer. Now, with the March 22 announcement that he has died at the age of 46, the memories come flooding back.

Red-faced. Sweaty. Clumsy. Always controversial. Never sober. Ford was a bumbling, lovable fuck up who was somehow elected to run one of the largest cities in North America. Twice. He was a damn Chris Farley movie come to life (or the most successful resident of Sunnyvale Trailer Park).

Let’s reminisce about the 10 greatest achievements of Ford’s unlikely political career.

10. His Drunken Escapades

Ford was constantly getting belligerently hammered while he was mayor. Like this time he threw a wild St Paddy’s party in his office.

According to those attending, Ford held a “wild party” in his office. Ford knocked down a staffer, insulted others, then went to the BierMarkt restaurant. After “flailing around” on the restaurant’s dance floor, Ford returned to City Hall by cab, making racial slurs to the driver. The Mayor then wandered around City Hall after 2 AM with a bottle of brandy, swearing at his staffer Earl Provost before security arranged for him to be taken home.

9. His Breakthrough In Gender Equality

Ford was a man of the ladies. And it displeased him that there weren’t more of the fairer of genders in public office. In April 2013, he announced “we need more females in politics,” then invited any woman listening to join him for a cup of coffee so he could “explain how politics works.” I took it as an honest attempt to reach out to young, aspiring female politicians. The media took it as misogynistic “mansplaining.” Sometimes the poor guy got a bad rap for nothing.

8. His Milk Mustache

Here he his drinking a glass of milk during a city vote. Guarantee it’s whole milk, too. None of that skim bullshit. I don’t know why this photo is so damn funny but it is. Two pudgy hands on the little blue cup. Milk mustache. Like a big-ass toddler. Why drink milk during an important political meeting? Why the fuck not? Again, Chris Farley movie IRL.

Also, notice that football tie…

7. His Devotion To Spreading American Football Up North

And now, a .GIF Rob Ford attempting to hike a football. - Imgur

Rob Ford loved him some good ol’ fashioned American foosball. He coached a Canadian high school team like a true American, too, showing up drunk to practice and swearing at players and making them roll around in goose feces. He was known to dip out on executive meetings five hours early to make practice. That’s right, he continued to coach football throughout his terms as mayor — until he was fired in 2013 for that whole drunk-at-practice-goose-shit thing.

6. His Campaign For Public Health

In January 2012, Ford participated in a six-month public diet campaign, the Cut the Waist Challenge. That’s his final weigh-in above. Notice the sweat. Dude was doing some wind sprints or some shit beforehand, trying to squeeze off a few pounds before stepping on the scale like a boxer does. Either that or he had the meat sweats. Or the crack sweats. He lost 17 pounds, just 33 pounds shy of his goal. Afterwards, he said of the campaign, “I’m not even dieting anymore. It’s gone! It’s water under the bridge.”

That’s how you inspire a country to lose weight. Take notes, Michelle.

5. His Late Night Trip To A Fast Food Place

“Bumbaclot, mon.”

We’ve all been there. Drunk as fuck at a late night fast food joint, trying to bond with the Jamaican cashier by speaking the tongue of his people. Let Ford eat his number 7, number 9, and number 4 in peace, media.

4. His Run-In With A Dickhead Cameraman


3. His Hardline Stance On Bicyclists

I agree 100 percent. Annoying-ass bicyclists with their cone helmets and their spandex, rubbing our noses in their healthy lifestyles and reduced carbon footprints. Get off the road or eat Hummer. Tools.

2. The Crack Thing

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From ABC News:

“I do not use crack cocaine, nor am I an addict of crack cocaine.” – Ford’s initial denial of drug allegations in May.

After the above video surfaces:

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine. Probably in one of my drunken stupors.” – Ford backtracked and admitted smoking crack in November 2013.

“I have no reason to resign.” – Ford said this directly after police announced they had video appearing to show Ford smoking from a crack pipe in October 2013.

1. Pussygate

There was the time a former female staffer accused him of telling her, “I want to eat your pussy.” The married Ford’s response? Publicly announce, “I’m happily married. I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.” Perfect move.

When all is said and done, sure, Rob Ford had his problems. But he was a good man who fought to cut costs and save taxpayer money. Sure, he rubbed the media the wrong way with his vulgarity, but I respect a man who tells it like it is. And sure, he may have had a bit of a drug problem, but he owned up to it and left office on his own accord to seek help in rehab. If the cancer hadn’t taken him, there’s no doubt in my mind he would have eventually returned to office — or at least the high school football sidelines — better than ever.

RIP Rob, you beautiful train wreck.

h/t The Star

Image via YouTube

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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