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Rowan University Doesn’t Help Pet Gecko In His Time Of Need

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When I was a junior, I brought a fully furnished bar set from my house to my on-campus apartment. I figured, why go to the bar when I could bring the bar to me?

Plus I wasn’t 21 and the closest bars didn’t take my fake so I have to improvise, adapt, and overcome. It was a foolproof plan to have the coolest apartment on campus — that is until my RA found out and made me remove the bar immediately. Apparently my inebriated architectural masterpiece was “unauthorized furniture” and against “residential life guidelines.”

I also tried to bring an inflatable hot tub to my apartment to replace the now gone bar, but that idea was vetoed by my roommates. Fuck you, Nick and Hunter.

I wasn’t the first, nor the last, to fall prey to the residential life sheriffs known as RAs. The latest victim of the hallway vigilantes enforcing housing codes was Jake Torrisi at Rowan University.

Jake and his roommates were found in violation of housing codes by having a pet gecko, like a little lizard thing. I don’t see what’s the big deal here. I’ve seen plenty worse things in campus housing than a goddamn gecko. Besides, if they where living with a gecko, he probably copped them some great rates on car insurance.

Well, not only did Rowan drop the hammer on Jake and his roommates and make them evict their reptilian friend, they also made them write a stupid homework assignment called a “decision making assignment” about what they did wrong.

Sure, we’ve all broken some rules, but I can’t remember the last time I had to answer for them in MLA format. Sorry, I thought this was college, not kindergarten. Luckily, Jake was having none of their BS and answered with hysterically sarcastic answers and set the truth straight on the whole situation.

Apparently, this whole gecko thing was a huge misunderstanding. He wasn’t a pet, but instead Mr. Gecko, as he was so creatively named, was seeking refuge. Mr. Gecko was hiding from his recent ex-girlfriend, a psychotic chameleon named Janet (already sounds crazy).

Out of the goodness of their hearts, Jake and his roommates took Mr. Gecko in as an abandoned squatter in his time of need and, although things started off on good terms, it seems Mr. Gecko overstayed his welcome. It finally took a little Rowan res-life to get involved for Mr. Gecko to be evicted and move on with his life.

I was able to reach out to Jake personally for comment. He said him and his roommates don’t hold any ill will towards Mr. Gecko. In fact, they wish him all the best, and hopes he learns to stay away from Janet.

Come on, Mr. Gecko, you’re better without her. You’ll find someone better.

Image via Shutterstock

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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