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Rules For The Spring Semester

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It takes age and time to realize the error of your ways. Sometimes you just wish that “future you” would miraculously appear into your life and nudge you in the right direction. Maybe you wouldn’t have gotten so into Facebook poking or started a blog called “Where My Whites at?” or thought that telling girls about your cuddling skills was a good pickup line (I’m still convinced this works). That’s why Uncle J-Train is here to help. The spring semester has arrived and I’ve been there. I’ve seen what can go wrong. Here are some rules to follow so you can have the best semester possible, they may even save your life.

Spring Break Guides Every Decision

Should you work out? Spring break. Should you and the girl you’re hooking up with become official? Spring break. Should you eat that slice of pizza? Spring break. Should you do abs every day? Spring break. Should you learn how to ask if someone is on the pill in Spanish? Spring break. Should you get that thing that’s probably a pimple checked out by a doctor? Spring break. Should you time every masturbation session so you practice lasting longer than 3 minutes and 34 seconds (short enough to show her you’re into it, long enough to not be a comical story for her friends)? Spring break. Should you write down all of the things you like about yourself to be read on a hungover flight home? Spring break.

No Contacting Any Of Your Friends Going Abroad

You’ll be sitting in a room around 3:30 on a Thursday afternoon talking to your buddy “Ron” (his name is Dave but everyone calls him Ron because he’s fat), and you’ll get a message from your friend in Florence. It’ll be something about how the espresso is better there even though he spelled espresso with a Z. And he’ll mention something about European women and why a bush makes sex more comfortable and he’ll use tons of unnecessary accent marks. The whole interaction will make you look into Ron’s eyes. You’ll never look as deeply into another man’s eyes than this one time. You’ll wonder what the hell you’re doing in college. Then you’ll see a single stream of moisture roll down Ron’s face. You won’t be sure if it’s sweat or the tear of a guy who is so far away from having sex that his own hand won’t even give him a good night. Ron will tilt his head like a giant St. Bernard and ask you to get high and eat Taco Bell. At this moment, you’ll realize that you can’t even make up a story about your semester that’s as interesting as abroad guy. Don’t speak to abroad guy.

Say Yes

Abroad guy is why you need to say “Yes.” I don’t know if it’s that everyone went home for a month or if it’s that the weather sucks at the beginning of the semester, or if it’s the lack of football, but the spring semester brings weird opportunities. You’ll have a friend announce that he wants to take a road trip, but everyone has to wear wigs and suit jackets. There will be a split second where you think to yourself, “I got a test next week and no wig.” Listen to me right now: go get that wig, put on that jacket, and get in that car. Ever get a blowjob from a girl wearing the wig you’ve been wearing all day? It’s like getting head from your twin sister but you’re not related. It’s not hot but you’ve got a great closing line for a story that abroad guy can’t find in Roma.

Sweat Suits Only

If there’s been one disappointment from the fall semester, it’s that there is way less hooking up in class than you saw on YouPorn. You kept waiting for that girl to sit next to you and whisper “Chlorophyll? More like fill my vagina,” and surprisingly it never happened. That’s why you have to alley-oop yourself. You have to dress so disgustingly for class that you’re unrecognizable when you go out. Stick to unwashed sweatshirts and sweatpants that say some variation of your school’s name. You should look like your school’s most supportive homeless person. This is all about that old business principle: under promise and over deliver. You’ll go out and mention to that girl from Econ that you recognize her and she’ll be like. “Oh really? That’s you with the bindle?” And you’ll be like, “That’s me.” Game theory? More like “I love going down on chicks.” Alley mothafuckin’ oop.

Get A Dog With Your Girlfriend

You and your girlfriend need to get a dog together. Why? Because you need to make the biggest mistake of your life now so it can put all other prospective mistakes into perspective. Maybe you’ll be offered a needle full of drugs and you’ll think this will feel really good, and then you’ll remember that time you and Kara got a dog. That also seemed like it would feel really good. Why wouldn’t you guys get a dog together. You’ve been together six months, which is basically married, and you named it Lucy and you were already sleeping at each other’s places “like every other night,” and you’ve got your parents’ credit card. So, maybe you’re wrong about that needle like you were about that dog you rescued then had to “un-rescue.” And maybe I just saved your life.

You’re welcome.


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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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