14 Signs You Might Still Be Drunk This Morning

Last night, you absolutely killed it going out. You might have relieved some stress and made out with that cougar who has big, fake boobies. Maybe you bought a round of shots for a bunch of strangers you barely know with money you don’t have. You probably talked endlessly about how you’re going to quit your job and go back to school to get your master’s.

Slowly but surely, you faded into a subtle abyss of blackness. This blackness wasn’t the “let’s take our shirts off and get in a fight with a cop” blackness. It was subtle, what some might call a brown out. Nothing too bad happened. You may have puked, but it was because you wanted to, not because you had to. You were on a good level–no, a great level. It’s such a great, fantastic, magical level that it’s going to hang around for a little longer than usual. These are a few signs you might still be drunk and how that drunkenness might play out.

1. You feel GREAT when you wake up. You’re wondering why you don’t feel horrible when you know you drank a shit ton.
2. Actually, you have no idea how much you drank. It couldn’t have been that much…
3. You have to text the friends you went out with to clarify last night’s details. You find that you did indeed drink “that much” and also switched to tequila halfway through the night.
4. You don’t even care if you were embarrassing because you still feel straight money. You feel so awesome that you think you should get to that level of drunkenness every night.
5. You say good morning to your cat/dog/fish/pet rock and get mad when it doesn’t answer.
6. You go out to get the mail and decide to talk to your hot neighbor walking his or her dog. You get shut down. It’s whatever.
7. Three words: NAKED DANCE PARTY. You left the window open hoping your neighbor sees.
8. You decide that fast food for breakfast is a rational decision and you should definitely start your day with a cheeseburger.
9. You hid your car keys from yourself last night and still can’t find them now (thankfully), so you forget the cheeseburger and decide to make a box of Kraft SpongeBob mac and cheese instead. It’s 9am.
10. You create a beautifully crafted Snapchat story, starring pictures of you giving everyone the finger in various areas of your home.
11. After looking at your phone, you’re really proud of yourself for not drunk texting your ex last night, so you congratulate yourself by texting him or her in the morning!
12. You ask your ex to get together with you sometime (to bang or whatever). Your ex says no and to please stop texting. But your ex doesn’t know you’re still drunk at 10 a.m. so who cares?
13. By mid-morning, you’re starting to feel a bit gross and ashamed, both mentally and physically.
14. Noon rolls around and you start feeling like absolute garbage. Only at this point do you realize that you were wasted the entire morning.

If you have to go to work instead of experiencing this fully-loaded, drunken morning after, all I have to say is good luck. Maybe your drunkenness will make your clients like you more.