Chronicling the rush week of both a guy and a girl striving to land a bid.
Approaching The House
John makes his way to the Greek village in a brand new, freshly pressed Vineyard Vines button down and khakis. He spots at least a dozen other kids wearing the exact same shirt, but it doesn’t bother him a bit. He joins a packed line of fellow rushees filing into a mansion on the corner, where the brothers sit on the front porch smoking cigarettes and trying to look as intimidating as possible. They greet each rushee with an upwards head nod and a handshake as he passes. Many brothers rate the quality of the handshakes out loud: “Firm… weak… weak… holy shit, I don’t know how this one jerks off.”
Jane approaches the precipice of the sorority house in a flowing Lily Pulitzer sundress. She spots at least a dozen other girls wearing the exact same outfit and it is killing her. The sisters have filled the doorway in a “door stack” formation and are bobbing up and down, clapping and chanting in unison.
John enters the house, where the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen sits at a desk with a sign-in sheet. He signs in, scribbles his name on a nametag, and walks into the main room to start mingling.
After the sisters’ performance, Jane enters the house, where the oldest woman she’s ever seen sits at a desk with a sign-in sheet. She signs in, writes her name on a nametag, and teeters on five-inch heels into the main room to start mingling.
What the brothers ask: “So, what sports did you play in high school?”
What the brothers are thinking: Yeah, I could take this guy in a fight.
What the sisters ask: “Omigooosh that dress is SO cute, where did you get it?”
What the sisters are thinking: Her dress says sratty but her makeup says tranny.
Rush Activities (Daytime)
A blatantly hammered man who looks like he’s in his fifth year stumbles up to John and a group of rushees.
“Y’all wanna… hup… shotgun some beers upstairs?”
John happily obliges.
Jane walks into a room where the sisters are arranged in a circle, sitting at desks with laptops. Time to begin a carefully documented “speed date,” where she goes from desk to desk to be interviewed. She sits down for the first “date,” across from two sisters — one wearing a conservative dress, the other wearing an extremely low cut top that barely contains her heaving breastises.
“So, like, which one of us would you guess is single, and which one of us would you guess is in a relationship?” one asks.
Jane nervously points to the girl who is scantily clad.
“Why did you pick her?”
Jane gulps, unsure how to answer.
Rush Activities (Nighttime)
A NIB picks up John and a handful of other rushees from the front of his dorm, then drives them to an off-campus house. Once inside, the brothers instruct them to arrange themselves in circles and tell the funniest story they know, one by one. There’s also a handle of Wild Turkey being passed around each circle and no one is allowed to leave until it’s empty. When everyone’s good and drunk, the NIBs transport them to a bar they rented out. The brothers assure them that the ratio will be better when sorority rush is over.
Jane and her friends stay in their dorms and play Cards Against Humanity. They can’t risk going out. If a sister catches her with alcohol – or worse, a frat guy – her chances of nabbing a bid are shot.
Accepting A Bid
After a week of meeting different fraternities, John walks to the main student hub on campus and waits in line to receive an envelope containing any bid cards he may have received. A guy in front of him wearing Chubbies motions to a short, scrawny kid who just accepted an envelope and whispers, “Heh… guess anyone can get a bid around here.” When John reaches the front of the line, he accepts his envelope, opens it, and looks forward to pledging his new fraternity. He notices Chubbies bro leaving empty handed.
Jane stands blindfolded with her arms outstretched. She feels something drop into her hands and tears off her blindfold. Tears fill her eyes as she sees a t-shirt emblazoned with the letters of her second favorite choice. Now it’s time to sprint across the heart of campus, lined with hundreds of cheering spectators, to hug the sisters of her new sorority and pretend they were her favorites. She takes off. As she’s running with the herd, she notices some jackass wearing a white t-shirt and a red bandana running in front of them. While somewhat peeved, she appreciates the “Running of the Bulls” reference. Then her sneakers catch a loose brick and she falls on her face, causing a massive pile up of females. Half the crowd gasps, half starts laughing hysterically..
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