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Ryan Lochte Attacked On Dancing With The Stars, Possibly By Brazilian Guys

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If you’re a housewife in your upper forties, you will undoubtedly already know that Ryan “Rowdier-than-Gaines” Lochte was attacked by two strangers who jumped onto the stage at Dancing With The Stars on Monday night. Here is the aftermath of the incident.

A video posted by Ed Moses (@eddiemoses) on

You may also know that Lochte was recently the subject of a bizarre and stupid fiasco in Rio involving a gas station that he pissed on and vandalized, a pocket’s worth of hush money, and the declaration that it was a robbery. He was drunk when they asked about it too, apparently.

Now he gets assaulted at Dancing With The Stars by these guys:

In the ensuing coverage, I’m shocked that nobody is having the conversation that we need to be having right now:

Look at these guys. Look at their mustaches. These are obviously the Brazilian gas station owner and his cousin, who have come all the way up to America because they realized the $144 or whatever that Lochte drunkenly thrust into their hands in Rio wouldn’t cover the damage to their bathroom. This is a simple collection run, people.

Either that or they discovered he also shoplifted a couple Slim Jims.

I guarantee you the media is going to completely gloss over this fact, and I’m too lazy to research it myself, but it’s the only logical explanation.

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Doctor Franzia

*Not qualified to practice medicine*

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