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A Santa Claus Impersonator On Horseback Tried To Steal My Girl

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santa impersonator horseback

I should’ve known Santa had it in him. After all, I grew up hearing about how he got to first base with some poor son of a cuck’s mom under the mistletoe early one Christmas morning. “What a fun little tune,” I remember thinking. Yeah — until it almost happens to you.

I was driving to work when I saw him. In most major cities, a fake-bearded man decked out in velour riding a horse down the sidewalk of one of the downtown area’s busiest streets would, at a minimum, be a featurette on the 5 P.M. news. This is Austin, Texas, though, where we just call that a Tuesday. It would’ve taken this guy getting arrested for illegally operating UberHORSE to get so much as a UT Journalism student out there to cover him.

In an effort to educate the public about how Austin’s weirdness is still being kept despite the massive influx of millennials, I documented the experience on Twitter.

A glimpse, a video, a social media message — much like the poops that I Snapchat to my friend Kevin, I thought that would be the extent of the impact this experience would have on my life. But no. Ohhhh no. Fate had other plans, like introducing him to my girlfriend.

“Hey babe, how’d you like to ride horses with Santy Claus?” is a line that I imagine probably has at least a 15% success rate, which is pretty decent when you factor in how this guy spent hours riding up and down South Congress in Austin. Guarantee he scored a few numbies — but luckily not that of my girl, who somehow was able to resist the carnal charms of both Santa Claus and a horse owner rolled into one festive package. I’d say that must mean she really likes me, but nobody really likes me. It probably just means Santa Claus was really ugly in person.

Never meet your heroes Never let your heroes meet your girlfriend.

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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