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Sarcasm Is Not A Language, Single Girls

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Listen, single girls. I get it. Being clever is difficult. Just look at my articles; most of them are over-extended rambles with horrendous sentence structure. But I’d like to think that, every once in awhile, I can make someone out there laugh with something I wrote. Probably a fantasy, but still, right now it’s the only dream I have. You, on the other hand, are consistently striking out with your written words on these phone-based dating apps. Yes, I’m aware of how short the space is for your biography, and I know how complex and unique your personality is. Trying to capture someone’s whole persona into a few sentences is an actual challenge, and on some fronts I can be sympathetic.

But you when you write “Fluent in sarcasm,” know that I am swiping left every time because, in all honesty, sarcasm is the basest form of humor out there. Sarcasm is the fallback onto which every unfunny person has to fall. It takes no talent, barely any brain function, and is far from something to be bragging about. When you tell me that the extent of your verbal wit stops at sarcasm, it tells me that you haven’t really made another person laugh in years. If you can’t think of anything craftier to say than parroting back a condescending response to what was probably an honest question, then it would probably be best if you stopped talking altogether.

I’m guessing that you wanted to put something clever, but either didn’t want to commit to the effort it takes to actually think of something or saw this somewhere else and decided it matched you. In the case of the latter, you’re even worse than usual. It means that you follow whatever trend is sweeping through the ranks of basic girls across the country, and you can’t even decide how to describe your own self with original thinking. Your “personality” has been bogarted by every other single girl in the United States, and the charm you think you have is about as unique as a prefabricated Toyota Camry.

Good luck on your first dates, by the way, should one ever actually occur. I can tell you from personal experience that, if you really are as sarcastic as you claim to be, you won’t be getting a second. Trying to hold a conversation with you is impossible when every response is a convoluted retort followed by “No, no, I’m just kidding, I actually…” Please, just start off with the actual answer. If I have to wade through another bullshit opener that ends up being the opposite of what you really want to say, then I’m just going to chug this beer and leave.

In addition, if you are dishing out these hot takes, you better be ready to receive them. I’m going to start responding in kind, because, shockingly, everyone can do what you’re doing as well. We just choose not to, and also I want someone to make you aware of how awful you are as a person. If you get upset or offended when I mock you to your face with a sharp comment, then you clearly have no right to be giving it out yourself. Go back to your circle of “friends” and continue making your backhanded compliments, wishing more men would be interested in you for your brain.

Remember, sarcasm is not a language, and you’re not fluent in it. You’re just a basic girl without a personality whose idea of charm is being a condescending ass to anyone displaying interest in you. Have some originality, take time to be clever, and try being genuine once in a while. You’d be surprised how well it works.

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