Mama always told me my eyes get red in the pool because of chlorine. But you lied to me, ma. Santa Claus is fake, the Illuminati is real, and my eyes are red because someone peed in my face.
A startling new scientific reveal says that red, scratchy pool eyes are caused by the chlorine binding to urine and sweat.
While we all may think that it’s the chemical that is causing us to have red eyes or an itchy feeling while in the water, Michael J. Beach, Ph.D., associate director of the CDC’s Healthy Water program says, “it’s quite the opposite.”
“Chlorine binds with all the things it’s trying to kill from your bodies, and it forms these chemical irritants. That’s what’s stinging your eyes. It’s the chlorine binding to the urine and sweat,” says Beach.
I have no shame in admitting it. I pee in the pool all the time. Pretty much every time I enter the pool. And this news won’t change a damn thing. I always have, and always will, treat any body of water like R. Kelly’s hooker. It’s not because I’m lazy or have bladder problems. I simply can’t help it.
The gentle lapping of water against my nethers coupled with the soothing sounds of the pool filter sets me off like a garden hose. I’ll walk right up to a group of people in the water, chat ‘em up about last night’s game or the secret spaceship beneath the Denver airport or whatever, all while blissfully peeing on their legs. I know I’m not alone, either. Those college apartment complex pools are probably filled with more beer piss than H2O.
If it makes your eyes red and scratchy, then quit bitching and grab some goggles..
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