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God bless America for letting me live in a country where I can get paid my usual salary of gum wrappers, Dorn’s table scraps, and -$5 per news piece to write something with this as the headline.
In what might be considered a mixed message outside of the ichthyology world, scientists have named a new species of cavefish after the Indiana University Hoosiers. It’s blind, has its anus behind its head, and distinguishes itself from its nearest relative by being a little fatter. But its discovery might help keep the world’s other ugly cave dwellers alive, even those not named for sports teams.
Cave dweller? I barely know her! Ba dum tsss.
But in all seriousness, it’s blind, it poops out of a weird place, and it’s obese? Sounds like my mother-in-law! Well, I don’t have a mother-in-law yet, but she is going to be like that. They say if you want to pick a good wife, always look at the mother–and I’d prefer to spend the rest of my life sharing a bathroom with someone who won’t get mad when I leave the seat up, because half the time, she’ll just be holding a trash bag up to her neckbutt.
It does seem awfully ironic that the scientist, Matthew Niemiller, would name such a disgusting fish after his favorite sports team. That would be like me naming some wonky ass parakeet after my beloved DeVry computers. I’d never do it. My thoughts are that this guy really wanted to name something after the Hoosiers, and he figured this might be his only opportunity. Disgustingness be damned, something was going to get IU tagged by Niemiller. Lucky for us, it was an abomination. Go Hoosiers?
Image via Matthew Niemiller