The year starts. Fresh faces abound. Skinny, pimply, scared little children hit the weights in preparation of the sex buffet that is supposed to be college – and MAN do they go at it. Respect.
To the 120 lb kid with the muscle tank, Monster snapback, and long-ass Nike tube socks, you’re a star. Watching you take up the entire cable fly machine to flail your arms truly reflects the swole genius coursing through your chiseled, vascular physique. It’s truly an alpha move to occupy an entire fucking machine for your arm circles.
Spiky-haired kid in a soccer jersey, your dance and boxing moves in the mirror inspire all that pass through your cloud of cheap cologne. Keep standing next to that weight that’s way too heavy for your weak body and small nuts. You’re the source of all energy in the room.
Fat, stinky guy, your sweaty quest to finally lose your virginity serves as a shining beacon of hope to all. We can literally see the lard melting off of you with each curl of your 5 lb dumbbell. It’s truly inspiring to see someone do something about the fact that they’re unlovable.
Kid who does exercises no-one’s seen before in their life, the erratic crab-like motions you perform at the rack bring a new dimension to the art of weightlifting. The sounds of your spine herniating and your rotator cuffs grinding to paste reinforce the life truth that all great things come with dedication and sacrifice.
Bizarre jacked kid/skinny kid duo, thank you both for showing us the unadulterated purity of two sweaty men. It’s a heartwarming sight to witness a spotter delicately grind his crotch into another man’s tensed, chiseled ass at the squat rack. Male camaraderie is truly exemplified at the bench, though, as one of you stands over the other’s face so that he breathes that savory ballsack air with each rep.
And no college gym is complete without the freshman girl in spandex shorts who’s only there to be talked to and ogled. You one thicc bih. Keep rocking that see-through lululemon/neon sports bra/skimpy, loose tank combo; we’re always willing to validate you.
As for you, dude who throws the barbell down like a competitive CrossFitter… You know what? There’s nothing to say about you. Fuck you. You think this is the Olympics, you numbnut, scared chihuahua-ass, shit-for-brains douchebag? Let’s cut to the chase: get the fuck out the weight room and just start sucking yourself off. God willing, one day you’ll drop the bar while bench pressing and staple yourself out of existence..
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