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The world is changing, and every day it places more demands on college fraternities. “No underage drinking,” “Stop burning your houses down,” “If you’re going to hang out on your lawn when the homecoming parade rolls by, please wear pants” — we’ve defied them all.
But now, a new demand. A call for equality and inclusion: fraternities are being told they should admit women.
Let’s dive in:
1. Why? Why Do We Need To Do This?
I mean, I guess I don’t really get it? Why do girls want to be in fraternities? Don’t they have their own Greek houses?
Listen, I can get behind a girl who is like, “Screw the pink letters and the chants. I just want to drink beer, smash shit, and get down and dirty with the boys!”
I’m cool with that. But go do it from within enemy lines.
The best sorority on my campus right now (by far) is the one that started tapping the “Camo Hat Girls.” CHGs are a special class of wiry, fake, blond redneck girls who drive lifted Chevys and spit into Coors cans they open with a hunting knife. These girls generally believe the female Greek system at our school is for “big city bitches.” But all they needed to do was be educated. Within about two rush classes, all the CHGs had migrated from rifle club and College Republicans to form a badass sorority that was half debutante, half Duck Dynasty. And they could drink almost any male house under the table.
These girls brought the fraternity culture to sororities, and that’s the way it should go.
2. Being In Close Quarters
A man’s fraternity house is his sanctuary. There’s a natural law that states that every man should have a personal sanctuary in which to exercise his bodily functions in private or among familiar company.
I like to think I have a very open mind, but there’s no way I could take a nasty hangover grumper with a girl in the other stall. It’s bad enough when it’s your brothers’ girlfriends.
If you had female members in the house, you’d have to deal with them walking in on you in the bathroom all the time, knowing that they had just as much right to be there as you. Don’t be thinking you’d just segregate the bathrooms like everywhere else; that’d be against the whole point of women being in the fraternity (and we all know our rundown houses would collapse if we tried putting new plumbing in).
3. Sexual Encounters
If you don’t think there would be a bunch of messy, weird hookups between member girls and guys in a female-integrated fraternity, you’ve obviously never been to a freaking high school leadership summer camp before. You put two things that fit together in close enough proximity, those things are going to gravitate toward one another. And because both parties are legally recognized members that are forced by letters to be affiliated with one another, what this leads to is a whole lot of complicated, passive aggressive relationship bullshit and judicial hearings. Talk about organizational disfunction.
If you doubt what I’m saying, just take a look at the co-ed academic fraternities. Those groups meet once a month and people still disaffiliate because sexual relations turn things sour constantly. Navigating college relationships is difficult enough without throwing sacred oaths and lease agreements into the mix. It’s better off avoided, in my opinion.
4. What About Lesbians?
If a girl isn’t sexually attracted to guys or is transgender, I’m fine with their admittance as long as they’re awesome enough to naturally get a bid and can contribute to the house in some positive way. She’s also gotta be cool with the bathrooms being gross and stuff. Again, I don’t want any shame where I shit. That’s a deal breaker.
So What Should We Do?
I don’t know. Case by case basis? Look, just because someone says you have to admit women doesn’t mean you have to actually admit them. You just have to prove you put them to the same standards that the boys are put to and then if they don’t fit? They don’t fit.
If the majority of the house likes a girl, people can vote for her. Fraternities are very democratic; that’s easily one of our most redeeming features. Maybe the secret for all those SJWs out there who want to force change on us so badly is to just let us open up on our own and not be so damn pushy. That’s cultural imperialism! Go figure..
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