There’s no way I could stop after the first six. Hell, those six are probably going to quit after the first week. Here are six more shitstains who somehow managed to get a bid:
7. The Sophomore
He may have transferred in, or he may just not have had the balls to do it as a freshman, but regardless of the reason, he is here now. He wears your fraternity’s pledge pin every day, wears the prescribed uniform, and is a little shit who exists solely to do your will just like the rest of them. There isn’t much in common between the Sophomore Pledge and his counterparts, other than the fact that his life is going to be a living hell. There is a pretty good chance that he lives in an off-campus apartment. There is an even better chance that he has a car. While at first he will think it’s cool to be the only pledge with a car, by the end of the semester he’ll be wishing he drove a scooter. The amount of miles driven by that car will rival the amount of most tractor trailers. For all intents and purposes, the Sophomore might as well be the chauffeur pledge. Even if he’s not the one driving, chances are, the car you’re getting a blowie in is his.
8. The Pledge with the Girlfriend
This guy and his girlfriend have been dating since junior year of high school. Even though she goes to school in a different state, he thinks that they can make it work. Most likely, you and every active will do everything in your power to ensure that it doesn’t. While there is nothing technically wrong with having a girlfriend in college, though the temptations rival those felt by a recovering alcoholic in a liquor store, this pledge will find that his little relationship is a big problem. For one thing, there is no way in hell he will be allowed to leave to visit her. If his pledge educator is strict, he may not even be able to contact her. But God help him should she decide to come into town. Every active in the house will be attempting to fuck his girlfriend, if only to further fuck with his head.
9. The Fat Kid
He’s the Augustus Gloop of the pledge class. He seemed pretty cool during rush, somehow managed to hook up with a 6.5, and can drink more than any 18-year-old you’ve ever seen, although it is pretty clear where he packs it away. You’d been on a bit of a recruiting slump ever since nationals came down last spring and discovered you were reenacting the bin Laden raid in the basement with paintball guns using pledges as the enemy, causing you to almost lose your charter. Regardless of how you got him, The Fat Kid is here, and has no intention of quitting. By the looks of it, at least judging by the sweating and inability to breath, The Fat Kid has never tried so hard at anything in his life. If he slips up though, punishment is easy. The Fat Kid’s worst enemy is physical exercise. He’d most likely take any other form of disciplinary action than laps or bows and tows. For fun, you can see how much weight he can lose during the process or treat him like a 4-H kid treats his pigs and try to fatten him up as much as possible. Either way, he’ll make a nice big target for your next raid on bin Laden’s compound.
10. Active’s Younger Brother
This guy decided to follow in his older brother’s footsteps and pledge your house. Great decision. Having a family tradition associated with a particular house is always admirable. Unfortunately for him, that tradition is that he is completely fucked. Because his older brother took pledging well, people will have high expectations of this kid. This, of course, will lead to a tougher pledge process, but hey, that builds character. Nobody will have higher expectations for him than his older brother. In fact, his older brother will become his worst nightmare. I mean, his older brother wants nothing more than to see his brother succeed, and in doing so will push him to the brink of failure. While at school, he has to fear all the actives, a time period they also distribute their energy towards all the other pledges. While most pledges dread Hell Week, this kid dreads breaks and weekends at home. During those times, when many of his friends are reuniting during their first trip home, he will be his older brother’s personal driver, maid, and butler. Merry Christmas, you legacy fuck.
11. Under The Radar
Who the fuck is this kid? Exactly. Nobody seems to notice him. Either he’s really smart or really stupid, but somehow he manages to stay out of the way enough that most of the actives have forgotten who he is. There is a chance that the actives won’t even know his name until several weeks in. The truly amazing thing about the Under The Radar Pledge is that he still attends all required events, participates in all pledge functions, and carries out all of his duties in a timely manner. Maybe it’s because you have him labeled in your phone as Pledge 11, but there’s a good chance you’ll find yourself asking, “Did we give that fucker a bid?”
12. The Pledge Class President
The PCP is the overworked, underappreciated piece of shit that somehow manages to lead his fellow pledges through your house’s hellish process. In reality, his job is to communicate between the pledge educator and the rest of the pledges, because who the hell wants to text all those idiots “you’re so fucked” 13 times a day? You might even make the PCP give a report on his pledge class at a chapter meeting or two, which usually results in points of information such as “Why do y’all suck so much?” and “When the fuck are you idiots coming over to clean the house?” While he is easily one of the most tortured souls in the pledge class, he is also the most important. When it comes down to it, there is a good chance the he’s the only one in the class who isn’t completely incompetent.
As annoying as pledges are, just remember, without them, you’d have to clean up messes that you made, repair things you broke, and pay for cabs.